Oops.

Gee sorry. Holy smokes. I didn't realze it had been so long since I'd been here.

So lets see. Since I was here last we had rain. So everything went from dry and managable to soggy and soupy. It dried out only to get cold and windy. Our weekend stint at one of the bigger dairies I go to went well, but was cold. I worked about 1/3 of it. I let Bill work the rest. While I felt good, it was a good place to ease in. Next week I'm back on my own.
The next day I rounded up the kids (2 legged) to round up the baby goats (kids). It took way longer than it should have but we had to make a catch pen for them and then catch them. This is the biggest drag about dam raised kids, they are crazy nuts. It took an hour just to catch them, then an hour to work them through. I had some de-horning to touch up. It seems I wasn't letting my iron heat up enough between sides on about 4. We also gave them shots and wormed them. We had plans to look over the kids and start the culling process, however the smaller kids wouldn't stay in the catch pen so we'll have to gather again in a couple weeks.

*Jen* made a comment several posts ago about pushing my self so hard and the fact that maybe I shouldn't. I felt a little like I should address that.
I push myself because it's all I know. Understand first that if I was a "normal" person with a "normal" body, the whole idea of rest until healed would make since. My body would heal then and I would not likely face this same fight again in the future. I would be cured.

First you have to understand that I wasn't born normal. I was born with a degenerative terminal lung disease. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 13. Why? We're told because of the way I was raised. How was that you ask? I grew up on a farm. I had chores and animals and jobs from the time I could work. I rode horses until I was 16 and was forced to give them up. I raised calves for neighbors, moved irrigation pipes (I hate that job), milked cows, hauled hay, raised rabbits, chickens, goats, dogs, cats. I also played sports. Basketball (as good as any 5'3" person can), softball, and I even had a short lived stint on the track team. I have NO idea what they were thinking.

I was active. I pushed myself or rather I was pushed. You only got a free pass from chores if you had a fever. Runny nose? Wear a hat. Cough? Wear a hat and a scarf! But first! Swallow some foul syrup to make you feel better! I stayed active and therefor probably saved my life.

I am now, by training, not a person who can sit around. I don't sit around my house and do nothing. I am up and pushing myself to do something. Even on the days where I felt the 20 step walk to the kitchen would kill me, I would get up twice a day and drag my ass there to make the milk for the babies. I might not have always been able to stomach the walk out to the barn to feed the kids, and had to pawn alot of extra stuff off on my kid, but I did a part.

And slowly it's paying off. For weeks it was a miracle when I had a few good hours. Then it was inspiring to have a few good hours each day. Then it was great when it was one whole good day a week. I'm now averaging a great day more often and STILL having good parts of the day each and every day.

Yes I am still whacking around with my meds, but only a little. I was hopeful I would grow accustomed to the medication that made me all wacky in the head. The medication that I was given in it's place makes my throat sore and doesn't seem as effective. However, the first drug still makes me icky, so it's the second one for now. I'm still taking my antibiotics. The drug he'd like me to take is too cost prohibitive. It looked like it was going to turn out to be 15000 a month. 20% of that is just too much.

This weekend I'm taking one of our friends kids down to look at some goats. Why me? Oh lets not get into that here. It goes a little like.... her parents have asked her to reschedule this trip now twice and were going to ask her to do it again. She's made contact with one of the most prestiges breeder in the state for the breed she wants, got her to not only agree to see her, but to sell her a goat. And not just a kid, a milker if she wanted. (Breeder is a total sweetie, I just imagine she is often sold out early) I was afraid she was going to get the rep. as a flake if she backed out again, and the breeder was going to start blowing her off. I can tell you as a breeder, that's what I would start to think. She's worked really hard for this, done everything right, researched, priced, shopped, make contact, and now she's going to get to go. Even if it costs me an arm and a leg. Dammit.

So it looks like a weekend road trip with one preteen boy, a teenage girl, and a 5 month old puppy (on the way back we'll have a baby goat!). God help me. I think the stoke killed the part of my brain that housed common sense, because really? WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING.

Ouch ouch double ouch!

Well my appointment on Monday wasn't so good. It was a little like meeting with Dr Doom. The gist of the conversation went a little like, well it's been a good run but there isn't anything we can do see ya bye.

To say the least I wasn't in the mood to really talk to anymore for a few days because, well, Duh?

And then on Tuesday I started the new antibiotic Dr Doom and Gloom prescribed and had a HUGE reaction to it. My hands just about fell off. Ha! You think I'm kidding. They were on FIRE and swollen up like stumps. After a shot in the ass and a prescription of antihistamines they were feeling better by last night. But holy hell today they ITCH again. But I can drive now and my fingers almost bend into a fist and I can feed myself.

I had to call Dr D&G yesterday because, well obviously THOSE pills weren't going to work. And apparently I tapped into Dr Happy and Perky. He was very sorry I had such a bad reaction. Only after he gave me a ration of shit "I thought you said you didn't HAVE any allergies?" "Didn't think I did, smart ass." He wants to start me on a dose of a CF only drug, but it's HUGELY expensive and he's working on finding a way to fund it. It's 30 days on and 30 days off, only it's like 280 a dose and you take 2 doses a day. I think I'm going to push for a sputum culture first. Most of what I've read states it works best for a type of infection I haven't had and I'm past the age to really susceptible for it. So for now this one is on hold. Instead he put me on another expensive, but at least "affordable" drug I'll pick up today. It's probably about 200, but it's for 10 days! Thats like 20 a day man!

Today was our first day of a long term ISP or homeschooling through a school. We started the day by dragging his desk out into the living room. G got right to it and in a hour had a good chunk of his weeks work finished. Right now he's outside enjoying some "PE" time. So far.. ha ha... it's a big difference seeing him studying something he enjoys. While the "guidelines" for 6th grade are the same... IE they ALL have to study Ancient Civilizations, world science... you don't HAVE to study them all in one way. G choose to go old school with his history choice, but had the options. He didn't choose old school science but rather a plan that would allow him to be more hands on. Today he was creating maps. He's also studying for his STAR testing which will happen next month. He has Spanish lined up to take in May and we may both take it at the college this summer if there is a class, his will be paid for through his school.

So I'm off to send off a couple buck kids to new homes, pick up some meds, pick up two more kids who will leave this weekend, and try to work off these jitters that the prednizone shot yesterday has created.

Add a big ol' check to the "feels like shit again" column. Yeah so it's a good thing I'm going back to the DRs today because I feel that crappy. Bleeding, wheezing, thick head. SHIT. All the crap we had under control is back. Can I mention I hate this shit?

Sarah took a picture of me... holy hell! Gaunt much? I don't remember looking like that when I look in the mirror. Maybe I should look closer, for longer than 30 seconds.

Sarah's little ranch market went very well. She created a great outlet there. All I did was sit and point, much like all I do anymore.

On that subject. Sitting and directing is fun for awhile but it gets old fast. I'm not really a sit and delegate kind of girl. I like to have my finger in ALL the pots helping a little everywhere, all while holding down my own thing.

==================Warning Whining Follows===============
I can't hold down my own things right now without help and I hate that. The frustration and the stress is getting to me. I want my life back. I'm done being sick. I've surpassed my tolerance level for being weak. I'm tired of G having to do way more than his fair share because I'm too damn weak to walk across the house much less wrangle goats, even the babies. I want to be able to know I can do my job, alone if I have too. My body just isn't pushable right now. I push and the fucker pushes back. I've always been able to push through a job. I might feel like hell tomorrow but I can get through today. I can't always get through the next 10 minutes let alone the whole damn day.
I hope this Dr can do something today. I can't deal much more with waking up with a head that's going to explode, bawling because I'm getting neurotically stressed, waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Russian Roulette

Russian Roulette with my health baby. How to keep life fun and entertaining.

That's what I've been doing the last couple days. I'm sick to damn death of feeling like shit all the time. TIA'S - shmee -I-a's this shit needs to stop. My heart is giving me huge amounts of trouble. Not racing but beating very very hard. I can feel it flip flopping around in there and can actually watch it beat when I look at my chest. So because it's struggling to move blood my limbs starve for oxygen which makes them weak. Which makes it very hard to do my job which, you know, requires WALKING.

SO here is my latest change. I'm using the drug the DR gave me in the inhaler because even though it's been making my head loopy, it works really really well. I stopped using one type of short acting inhaler and started using another because I'm not positive it wasn't creating the loopy head... it's hard to tell with so many being used in a day. Today should sort that out. I also stopped using my O2 at night. I personally think it was making the afternoons worse. Again, today will tell. My body was getting used to a certain level of o2 during the night and then "starving" for it during the day. I have to live with what level I have, so suck it up muscles, what you get is what you got. Oh, and I'm taking something to thin my blood again. I'm sticking to ibuprofen because when it wears off... so does it's blood thinning qualities (or so says the DR). I noticed a difference already with that last night. No pounding heart when I would walk from one end of my house to the other or roll over in bed or stand up or put on my sweatshirt or talk for 30 seconds.

Oh and Greg is sick again. Cough, fever, snot, lots of snot. Guess Bill gets conference duty alone today. When he's sick I wish we had one of those lives you can jump off of when some one gets sick. But there are babies to feed and goats to milk and dogs to let out/in. Oh well. We'll get through it.

Today I have to make a phone call. I've been putting it off for 2 weeks. Ha.

• Awww. I have a friend who's blooming. It's nice to watch.
• I have goat like that too, we called her a late bloomer.
• Bill had to take a night off work last night to help me do my job, which sucked.
• So yeah, I suck. My heart sucks. My breathing sucks. This whole deal sucks.
• I am expecting calls from another new client.
  
• I knew if I held on long enough my business would take off on it's own.
  
• Nothing advertises like word of mouth, good or bad.
  
• Now I hope my body will hold together to keep my business together.
• I need a new lap top.
  
• Good thing with that is I can actually hire another tester if I want and be able to send them out with their own computer.
• Bad thing is cost.
  
• I'll have to stop procrastinating.
  
• The new medicine that makes my head squishy works like a dream. I slept great last night. Only it is still making my head squishy 16 hours later.
• Bullets are cool.
  

I have my first case of true mastitis in a milker. It's NASTY too. I've had high SSC and little stringers, but this was true thick nastiness all the way through, much like milking butter though a straw. Or similar to what I cough up, only chunkier.

My health is truly up and down. Each day is a whole new ball of wax. Some days I'm usless as tits on a boar hog and others I feel fine.

Last night was a trip. I felt like I couldn't inhale all the way nor could I fully exhale. My chest was heavy and under extreme pressure. I was lying there not sleeping with a horrible headache when I actually felt the pressure lift. It was a totally odd feeling. It lifted and I could breath freely. Then I got up and took some tylenol for the headache. That was about 5Am. I slept till 11. Totally unheard of for me. But I needed to sleep. I was/am totally behind in that category.

I'm trying to talk myself into a new laptop. With all these mounting bills I find it hard to say... OH sure another new "thing" is a great idea. But man I really need it for the business. It is a write off...

Not to panic. I am still here.

Alive is good.

Kidding season has passed here. We have one lone doe left to kid and frankly I'm not even sure she's bred. I actually disbudded doe kids last weekend and this weekend will finish up what's left.
Boy am I glad that's over. If I was feeling better this would have been perfect. I think I'll shoot for this again next year, only I plan to be healthyish in Feb of '09.

The cardiologist must have drawn a blank becuase I got the refural to the neurologist. I'm putting it off. Ok... collective gasp, groan, and bitching now... I do want to know why I had those TIA's don't get me wrong. The fact that they may just be a part of life is becoming more and more likely. And right now, this moment, I'm swamped under with bills.
Yes we have insurance, but 20% of thousands and thousands (it's up to 3000 and we haven't even started getting my bills yet, that's from G's migraine research)of dollars is still more money than I have. I just can't see adding another Dr. and another test to the mix when I'm not sure how to spread out payments to the 10 or more doctors, labs, techs, and facilities I've been to in the last 2 weeks. Should I mention about the adoption fees that should hit next month too?

So now you know where I've been the last few days. I'm trying really hard not to let myself be totally stressed. Next month, I test alllll my herds except one and I'm not sure how well I feel up to it. But it really doesn't matter, it must be done, or I'll never be able to pay these bills.