Not dead yet.

Still bawling at the drop of a hat. Oh look, like right now, just mentioning bawling. What a frickin' wimp.

I'm trying to take a break from my oxygen. After the panic attack yesterday when I tried to leave home without it, I felt FINE, I have to come to some sort of terms with this. Or really, my life is over. No I'm not trying to be all melodramatic. Really think about all you know about me. If I can't do those things, those on the go things, what do I have left. My life as I know and love it would be over if I'm tied to this, or any, machine all the time. I just don't know if I can do that.

I looked into hiring a full time employee yesterday. I thought I had someone in mind but she went and got a real job with critters she likes instead of smelly cows. LOL. Anyway turns out I can't afford the workman comp anyway. (1600 a year! for less than 80 hours a month OMG) I may have to hire someone through a temp agency that will cover those costs. Bill said one of the people he knows hired a family member though one, which means I should be able to pick someone and then go in and say I want to hire XXXX. I have to do something to keep this thing rolling exspecially with incoming doctor costs.

And yes I'm working on getting to the city this next month. I got the referal number into my doctor and went to call him yesterday and forgot he closes early on Friday. I also applied for a PAP (precribtion assitance program) for people with Cf that it looks like we might actually qualify for. Considering some of the drugs used today for my lungs are, are you sitting down? Ready for this.... $4600 for 28 days! I'm already on drugs that are running us about 400 a month.

On a side note.. anyone want to drink this water for me?

If you dont hear from me for a while it's because I'm tired of saying OHH I feel better... OHH I feel worse.

Fuckit. When I'm dead there will be a notice. If I get better I'll be back.

Cuz all the cool kids did it. I wanna be cool too.

Your Word is "Fearless"

You see life as your one chance to experience everything, and you just go for it! You believe the biggest risk is being afraid and missing out on something amazing. Sometimes your fearlessness means you're daring. You enjoy risky activities. And sometimes your fearlessness means you're courageous. You're brave enough to do the right thing, even when it's scary.

What's Your Word?

Cow or Corpse

Ok an update because I hate when I read someone blog and they're all "hey went to the hospital" and then there is nothing for days and you're all, did they die? OMG should I send flowers, call, e-mail?

So the prednisone did as it's supposed to and opened up everything and I can breath. I even went for 2 hours this AM without oxygen. Am I up to working, no. Which is why I left Bill and Sarah at my job while I'm home re-oxygenating.

So I'm totally upright and breathing and probably smelling like a cow again, which I'll totally take over smelling like a corpse. We're shooting for avoiding that one for a while.

I'm into death avoidance.

But. I am supposed to drink 80 oz of water a day. Do you know how some people consider alcohol the devils liquid. Yeah I consider that water. I LOATHE water. It is nasty. Luckily Bill found me some flavored water by Nestle that isn't sickeningly sweet and I can sort of stomach it. Luckily all liquid counts like soup broth.Coffee and sodas count but also are dehydrators themselves, so add 2 take away 1. 80 freakin' ounces, that's like 3 friggin' quarts. Who the hell needs that much hydration? Yeah well, apparently me. "It keeps the mucus thin and flowing." So yeah for mucus leaving. Can't the make a pill for that shit?

And you can probably tell my mood is a little better. Getting a full nights sleep and being able to breath in anything more than small gasps at a time is a HUGE improvment.

Oh, my oxygen is annoying me. That's a good sign, means I'm getting too much. I'll be happy to turn it down a little again. Down from 3 yesterday to 2.5 last night, to 2 right now. 2 is my normal overnight dose. So being back down to 2 would be hopeful.

Shit. On a stick. That pretty much sums up how I feel.

Hospital was totally unproductive other than to be told what I already knew and get a few prescriptions that may or may not help. I took a good long nap to make up for all the sleep I didn't get last night sitting up trying to breath. I'm dehydrated.
I'm trying desperately to figure out how to keep testing my herds while not testing my herds. Make sense? Oh good, now can you explain it to me? I'm hoping to hire someone and then step into a management/ shipping/ paperwork role. At least until I can get to the city and find out exactly what my options are from a doctor who has a fucking clue about CF.
Yeah the doctor today who told me I was having an asthma attack, he can kiss my ass.
I'm waiting to hear from on doctor about the referral I asked for to go see said doctor in the city.
I'm sitting here crying on and off and that's not helping my dehydration.
I'm shocked at the call from my dad today. I'm even more shocked when he called back. Why does it take me being at the end of my life span for him to try to be there? I'll take what I can get.
I'm just not ready to die.

Well I made it to 2009. 2008 did it's best to kill me and failed. If I die this spring, we'll still blame it on 2008, m'k. You all remember that because, well I won't be here to remind you.

I spent all day today on oxygen while sitting in a cow barn. #1, not fun. #2 not productive.

In fact on the way home I came very close to just going to the hospital. If this doesn't give a little I'll probably be there by the end of the week. Nothing I'm doing at home is helping alleviate the issues.

Oh fun, winter again.