Holy fucksticks it's cold in here. I'm not one to normally bitch about the cold. I like sub freezing temperatures. It means my lungs work better and I don't choke up a lung. However this morning, when really, it's not that cold, I turned on the heater in the house. My cat was sleeping under my covers. My hands are numb I'm so cold. I'd say I think I'm getting sick , but anymore I'm always sick it's just to what degree. Functional sick or non-functional sick. I've taken to gauging the wellness of my lungs not by how much I cough but by how much blood I cough up. How's that for some weekend cheer for ya?
It's what keeps you coming back I know it.

So I'm almost done with my surprise gift which I'll send out soon. It can't be a christmas gift because that would be a little weird. I know the person pretty well from "around" (If I say too much it'll give it away) but I don't want it to be 'weird'. I just want it to be a fun little gift.

Ok, so now to make that person feel really odd once they get their gifty. I've decided over the next year or so I'm going to make everyone I know something special. I'm thinking a nice table runner for my friends' girls for when they get married. Just so that they know I wished I could have been there to be a part of it all, and in some small way I am. I'll do the same probably for G, though he has in a order already for a blanket. I have some ideas for other friends too. I've covered my mom and my in laws. If I finish that list I'd like to do something for my neices, but I doubt it will happen. I just want everyone to have something to remember me by. I guess my biggest fear of dying is of being forgotten. And the very best part of it all, is if by chance I am still here (and the projects are actually done) I can give them in person.

One thing that has always helped me deal with death, not my own, has been to have something tangible to hold on to. Something to look back on to fondle and say so and so gave this to me. I am totally a mourner. I mourn a long time. There are times I still shed tears for a close friend who died my senior year. When I'm feeling particularly lonely for him I go and sit on his grave and cuss him, talk to him, or just clean his face in silence.

The way I see it I have 5 years to work on these projects for sure. Because I'm a stubborn determined cuss and I promised that boy the day he was born I would see his graduate high school, and I damn well will. Then we'll have a huge party because not only did he make it, so did I. Plan to attend.

So much for no dinner.

G: Hey mom. Want a grilled cheese?
M: Sure. (Not thinking that I don't think he's ever MADE grilled cheese)
Shuffling around in the kitchen.
G: Ok, Mom. How long do I turn the microwave to?
M: Um No.

So we had a lesson on the fine art of grilling a cheese sandwich. In the toaster oven.

*note to self. New mineral out on the 27th

Can you hear it?

Shhh... lean close.... closer... can you hear it?

Good! That my 3 friends is the sound of SILENCE. He's gone. GONE GONE GONE.

Yes I have to admit it is a bummer that he won't be here to cook dinner. And yet he also won't be here to bitch about what to cook for dinner. Or the dishes. Or turning the TV up to levels which make my ears bleed.

The best part? Other than the silence, which believe me is totally golden right now, (My SA son said, as I was pointing out how quiet it was... Shh mom you're ruining your silence.) is I don't have to eat dinner anymore!

I'm pretty much a one meal a day person. I don't snack either. I do drink soda like it was the last fluid on earth. Caloric balance, yeah that's what it is. I do however eat twice a day on days I work, because really, the other days, I'm pretty much sitting on my ass building up my thunder thighs, and don't need more than one meal to fuel all that nothing.
I really skip dinner alot. Or I'll eat a can of peaches, a can of corn, some zucchini, or something else light.

My husband, the man, eats like 4-8 times a day. Full meals. HUGE meals. Last night he fixed chicken, vegetable, and mac and cheese ALL for dinner. Holy bat shit man that's like 3 nights worth of food for me and G.

Ahh my tunny will love me tonight.

This is my 100th post here. I was going to save it for something special, quirky, profound even.

And then I realized, who the hell am I kidding? If I'm waiting for even ONE of those three things to happen, ya'll should just take this little blog off your readers.

So here is the profoundness that is my 100th post.

BILL IS BACK TO WORK!!!!

No TV on in my house. Other than my wheezing and the tapping of the keyboard there is not a sound to be heard.
You don't know how happy this makes me. I love the man really, but I'm so damn glad for him to be out of the house you have NO idea. He better get a job when he retires or there will be serious problems in town.

Blessedly I have this whole week off. I love my work but I have been having a hard time "getting into it". There is a real rhythm and mine has been off. Not off on the job, off with all this other crap. The background crap. Packing, unpacking, loading, unloading, shipping, cleaning.
Maybe I need to go on vacation to a motel. When I get home I usually find I want to clean and organize. So not likely.

G's finger is better. His elbow is sealed over at least and the bruising should subside, eventually. Yeah, don't ask. Let's leave it at; Grace had a rough meeting between elbow and rock. I'm taking stock out in Steri-Strips and band-aide.

The goats have been returned to their own pens and the does are all out in one pen together. A friend brought a doe over to be bred but I think they are about 2 days too late. Same as they were last month. I told them if it doesn't stick this month they need to mark THIS heat (I do think I mentioned this last month) on the calender and we'll get her over here earlier.

No word from the people who have leased my doe. I need to e-mail them and remind them that YES I do remember you have her.

No luck on the puppy front. I'm really really picky and just haven't found the right one yet. Which is fine. One will come along eventually.