Holy fucksticks it's cold in here. I'm not one to normally bitch about the cold. I like sub freezing temperatures. It means my lungs work better and I don't choke up a lung. However this morning, when really, it's not that cold, I turned on the heater in the house. My cat was sleeping under my covers. My hands are numb I'm so cold. I'd say I think I'm getting sick , but anymore I'm always sick it's just to what degree. Functional sick or non-functional sick. I've taken to gauging the wellness of my lungs not by how much I cough but by how much blood I cough up. How's that for some weekend cheer for ya?
It's what keeps you coming back I know it.

So I'm almost done with my surprise gift which I'll send out soon. It can't be a christmas gift because that would be a little weird. I know the person pretty well from "around" (If I say too much it'll give it away) but I don't want it to be 'weird'. I just want it to be a fun little gift.

Ok, so now to make that person feel really odd once they get their gifty. I've decided over the next year or so I'm going to make everyone I know something special. I'm thinking a nice table runner for my friends' girls for when they get married. Just so that they know I wished I could have been there to be a part of it all, and in some small way I am. I'll do the same probably for G, though he has in a order already for a blanket. I have some ideas for other friends too. I've covered my mom and my in laws. If I finish that list I'd like to do something for my neices, but I doubt it will happen. I just want everyone to have something to remember me by. I guess my biggest fear of dying is of being forgotten. And the very best part of it all, is if by chance I am still here (and the projects are actually done) I can give them in person.

One thing that has always helped me deal with death, not my own, has been to have something tangible to hold on to. Something to look back on to fondle and say so and so gave this to me. I am totally a mourner. I mourn a long time. There are times I still shed tears for a close friend who died my senior year. When I'm feeling particularly lonely for him I go and sit on his grave and cuss him, talk to him, or just clean his face in silence.

The way I see it I have 5 years to work on these projects for sure. Because I'm a stubborn determined cuss and I promised that boy the day he was born I would see his graduate high school, and I damn well will. Then we'll have a huge party because not only did he make it, so did I. Plan to attend.