If you dont hear from me for a while it's because I'm tired of saying OHH I feel better... OHH I feel worse.

Fuckit. When I'm dead there will be a notice. If I get better I'll be back.

Cuz all the cool kids did it. I wanna be cool too.

Your Word is "Fearless"

You see life as your one chance to experience everything, and you just go for it! You believe the biggest risk is being afraid and missing out on something amazing. Sometimes your fearlessness means you're daring. You enjoy risky activities. And sometimes your fearlessness means you're courageous. You're brave enough to do the right thing, even when it's scary.

What's Your Word?

Cow or Corpse

Ok an update because I hate when I read someone blog and they're all "hey went to the hospital" and then there is nothing for days and you're all, did they die? OMG should I send flowers, call, e-mail?

So the prednisone did as it's supposed to and opened up everything and I can breath. I even went for 2 hours this AM without oxygen. Am I up to working, no. Which is why I left Bill and Sarah at my job while I'm home re-oxygenating.

So I'm totally upright and breathing and probably smelling like a cow again, which I'll totally take over smelling like a corpse. We're shooting for avoiding that one for a while.

I'm into death avoidance.

But. I am supposed to drink 80 oz of water a day. Do you know how some people consider alcohol the devils liquid. Yeah I consider that water. I LOATHE water. It is nasty. Luckily Bill found me some flavored water by Nestle that isn't sickeningly sweet and I can sort of stomach it. Luckily all liquid counts like soup broth.Coffee and sodas count but also are dehydrators themselves, so add 2 take away 1. 80 freakin' ounces, that's like 3 friggin' quarts. Who the hell needs that much hydration? Yeah well, apparently me. "It keeps the mucus thin and flowing." So yeah for mucus leaving. Can't the make a pill for that shit?

And you can probably tell my mood is a little better. Getting a full nights sleep and being able to breath in anything more than small gasps at a time is a HUGE improvment.

Oh, my oxygen is annoying me. That's a good sign, means I'm getting too much. I'll be happy to turn it down a little again. Down from 3 yesterday to 2.5 last night, to 2 right now. 2 is my normal overnight dose. So being back down to 2 would be hopeful.

Shit. On a stick. That pretty much sums up how I feel.

Hospital was totally unproductive other than to be told what I already knew and get a few prescriptions that may or may not help. I took a good long nap to make up for all the sleep I didn't get last night sitting up trying to breath. I'm dehydrated.
I'm trying desperately to figure out how to keep testing my herds while not testing my herds. Make sense? Oh good, now can you explain it to me? I'm hoping to hire someone and then step into a management/ shipping/ paperwork role. At least until I can get to the city and find out exactly what my options are from a doctor who has a fucking clue about CF.
Yeah the doctor today who told me I was having an asthma attack, he can kiss my ass.
I'm waiting to hear from on doctor about the referral I asked for to go see said doctor in the city.
I'm sitting here crying on and off and that's not helping my dehydration.
I'm shocked at the call from my dad today. I'm even more shocked when he called back. Why does it take me being at the end of my life span for him to try to be there? I'll take what I can get.
I'm just not ready to die.

Well I made it to 2009. 2008 did it's best to kill me and failed. If I die this spring, we'll still blame it on 2008, m'k. You all remember that because, well I won't be here to remind you.

I spent all day today on oxygen while sitting in a cow barn. #1, not fun. #2 not productive.

In fact on the way home I came very close to just going to the hospital. If this doesn't give a little I'll probably be there by the end of the week. Nothing I'm doing at home is helping alleviate the issues.

Oh fun, winter again.

Almost rang in the new year with "The Malone".

My friends sons band and they rocked. My feet and still tingly from the vibrations on the floor.

I say almost because it's 11:31 and we're home. I can only handle so much bar scene. I was mucho relieved when S & T said they were heading home. The fact that I'm so much older than 90% of the people in there might have had a little to do with it.

I thought about dropping by the Ivanhoe on my way out of town to see what my dad was up to, but then thought better of it. I'd rather not see him drooling on some 20 something. *Shudder* *Cringe* *Bleh*

So that was my night. I hope you had a good one yourself. And HAPPY NEW YEAR. May it not be as shitty as the last!

Not much to report. I'm going into hell month feeling like ass. I haven't even gotten through the easy month without feeling like ass.

Last night was U-G-L-Y. Low oxygen, wonkie head, numb legs, aching neck.

Who's taking bets Chrismas '09 is going to be black? Oh shut up, you can't say you haven't thought of it. Shit I do.

I've considered selling the goats this year. Just keeping the pets. I may still do that. We'll see if kids change my opinion. Don't count on it as that's the time of year I hate the most. I dunno. I start feeling shitty and selling it all sounds very appealing, but then I'll do nothing but sit on my ass and do nothing. Which, while that sounds appealing for a short time, would be my undoing. I just can't be that bored.

The dreaded lunch went fine yesterday for the short while that it lasted. Short was GOOD. Come to find out they were here for most of the day, but we did lunch. Everyone was on their best behavior, except my husband, who can't help throwing darts at his brother for being a lazy ass, unemployed, not even trying to find work, able bodied, father of two. Too lazy to fill out UNEMPLOYMENT paperwork. *gaaahh*

I just kept my mouth shut. Good plan for me. I did try to kick hubby under the table but missed. Dammit.