Foggy Thoughts

What's ahead

2011-12-28T18:43:00.000-08:00

.....probably not more blogging.

Sorry lord I suck at this. The only time I think of something wonderful to say is at 2am, and by 8am it's poof and blah blah blah...

I won't do a year in review post because this year was pretty much... WING ZING.. POOF Transplant/SPLAT!

Seriously, it's like nothing else happened. I swear today #1 and I had to ask a FRIEND who the heck one of our goat babies was out of. Thankfully he could remember where she went... which lead us the the name. (all stuff stored in the computer, but used to be *right there* in the brain) I had to ask #1 what the heck the cows names were. Really? I named them... *eye roll*

And yet, today while #1 and other son #2 were giving shots to said babies, I whipped out each and every name... Except "horse face", man has she changed!

So for next year...

Some weight loss I hope. Eating healthy, yeah probably not going to happen more than it is. Some drugs getting cut back will help some, and getting my lazy butt into shape will help ALOT. Getting back to work full time will go a long way towards that. Had #1 pull out the Wii and put it in the living room and spent 10 min on it, then went and walked on his treadmill for a VERY short time.

Continuing the use of the 8 weeks of meals planner I found online. Yeah!, for someone else figuring it out. It's great because even DH can do it. We started these before my surgery because, god help him, my husband had no sense of how to flavor food, and you can only fry a chicken breast so many ways. He's good at following a recipe, and again... someone else can figure it out.

Trying to send out thank you cards. Wow we have slacked on this the last few years, I just haven't had the energy to fight to get it done, or to pick out the cards either.

Adding on to my business, adding clients, some new equipment....

Making more than 2 goat shows a year. Hoping that the new laws won't effect this too much. I don't read it to have any effect except on "street sales". (sb-917 animal abuse laws for CA) Haven't heard anything in the goat world about it, but it is all over the rabbit lists. Some people who claim to know it all (on the internet... hahahah) say no shows will be "legal" and animal control can come... blah blah. I will believe it when I see it, but until then, we won't be hauling as many.

Oh, and to make all those pesky DRs appointments. Happy Healthy and all that.

What will your next year bring?

Freedom, Sweet Freedom

2011-12-21T09:04:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was another clinic appointment, but by far the best one yet. I saw my regular Pulunalogist, Dr. Blue Eyes, and it was extremely informative.

#1 He explained the antibody numbers they are watching and said that they really don't know how those number relate in relation to longevity of transplant. They are collecting data, a study really, but they do look for rises in those numbers as a sign of infection. The numbers will wane and ebb all the time.

#2 My medications will rise and fall all the time and it is not necessarily and indication of rejection. It's a numbers game keeping all the levels working together correctly.

#3 After a quick spiro, which checks lung volume, my results came back at 91% of normal for age/sex/weight. It was 80% 2 weeks ago. This is a number higher than he said they ever hoped to see from me. And not to expect too much more, since the lungs aren't mine they do not ever expect 100%. HA! He obviously forgot who's he's talking too.

Oh and the important one....

#4 I CAN GO HOME!!!!! They canceled all of next weeks "stuff" and I don't have to come back until the 3rd (actually the 2nd since those are AM appointments)of Jan.

So I am down to once weekly blood draws and once a month clinic appointments until May. In May it goes to bi-monthly appointments until my one year anniversary. After that, every 3 months.

I *could* have gone right home after my appointment, but since I had plans for the week here, trying to kill the boredom until I went AWOL again, I offered to stay until my draw on Thursday. They upped my prograf on Monday night and I'd like to know where it's sitting. (Still low, btw)

Speaking of Prograf.... this shit sucks. First off I have to take it sublingually, under the tongue, since they can't get my numbers up to an acceptable level to change me to oral, which means I have to not only wait for this powder to melt, but then wait 30 min to eat or drink. HUGE time sucker and I hate time suckers. (Says the girl who plays Bejeweled...SHUT UP) The second sucky part is the shakes. Tremors the drs call them. Every time they up the dose it takes several days to adjust, if at all. Add to that the prednisone, which just makes you race, some days it's all I can do to sign my name. I have cards to fill out for Christmas and am debating just printing out what I have to say, because waiting for my hands to mellow out may be a moot point. But other than the puffy face, thanks prednisone, and the shaky hands, I have been blessed with minimal side effects. Too bad I didn't get the weight loss side effect... I never get the "good" ones.

2011-11-30T08:57:00.000-08:00

Nothing much to report down here. Made it through a WHOLE appointment at the hospital without someone deciding I should hang out and stay for a while.

It looks like the sun is going to come out today...finally. I could use a dose of sun in my life. I'm bored stiff. You can only walk around this park so many times. I'm going to put around in my car a little this weekend and see how that goes. I'm not worried that I forgot to drive or anything...mostly that I am comfortable enough behind the wheel. If I was home I would be more likely to be out and about already, but traffic here is a whole new ball of wax.

So alls going well, just trying to pass the time between appointments and the time I can come home and be bored there instead.

Sunday

2011-11-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

Saturday night I finally was home and not having yet some other procedure done so I made it past that 48 hour mark where I could finally have a damn shower. Ok, before you think EWWWWW.... sink baths have their usefulness, and a lovely NA at the hospital rigged a chair and I leaned into a shower and she washed my hair, so it isn't as bad as it sounds.

Anyway, shower. Cold.as.hell.tile. I was FREEZING! There wasn't enough hot water in that bathroom. Our trailer has a shower, if you don't want to raise your arms, or turn around, so I'm opting for the park restrooms/showers. The incision under my right breast, which I've been having people look at for weeks, opened up in a spot and drained a bunch of nasty goop. Yellow/brown but not smelly or chunky. I cleaned some out there and when I came back to the house...and stopped shaking like a leaf...I was able to clear a little more. I opted not to call home health then knowing they were coming in the morning anyway, and I had no fever.

When HH got here on Sunday she flipped through the roof. My thermometer is a little temperamental and she took it's first reading, 99.1, (stupid thing read 99.1 the next three times I tried to use it too....seems better now) plus the weeping and sent me to the ER at about 4:30pm last night. Upon check-in at the ER...no fever. Never had a fever.... blood work was normal, white blood cells normal. All checked out. The surgery team came and took a look, they don't want it messed with, no dressing. I'll see them on Tuesday at my clinic appointment. There was actually some talk of reopening that area of the incision and cleaning and re-closing. This was not my favorite option obviously. I really just want to be sure this is dressed correctly so it will heal. They are going to order some different shots during my CT scan next week to make sure there is nothing pulled loose inside that will need to be fixed. We rolled out for home at about 9. Uncle stopped at McD's for us so we could snag some dinner, I was famished. I was beyond hungry, I had actually banned the talk of food. You know you are starved when your 16 year old son tells you to slow down.

I'm still shooting for coming home the second week of Dec. I don't know with all this "other" stuff going on if my schedule will stay like it is, or if they will tack on some extra tests and things at the end. Once I get to a once a week clinic only, I'm coming home. I will just have to drive down once a week for clinic. Labs I can have at home.

Black Friday

2011-11-25T16:41:00.000-08:00

What is this, day 22 since I came down here for my transplant. It is starting to seem like an eternity. Boredom has beyond set it, but I am not really "up" to much.

First thing this AM I had to be at the hospital for a blood draw. The lab is supposed to open at 7, we planned to be there at 8, since my test has to be done between 7-9. We were there shortly before 8 to find they didn't open until 8, day after the holiday and all. So at about 8:15 we find out, no, the HUGE sign at the front door was incorrect, they were actually opening at 8:30. Damn was I glad we hadn't gotten there at 7, I would have been slightly hot. At 8:40 I was back in the truck and headed for home.

Bill, Greg, and I went after noon today and checked out the huge mall/plaza over in Daly City, which is only about 2 miles from camp. I needed to get a few things if the girls were going to stay and Greg needed socks. I can't for the life of me understand why he thought 2 pairs of socks would be enough.

We settled for a Target since it seems the only wallyworld is in Brisbane and though it's probably close, it seemed too far to bounce around in the car. It still is hard to get jumbled and bumped around. Think separated sternum (though mine wasn't) and 5 perforations between different ribs. The numbness in my chest is finally subsiding, though when I get shook around it comes back. I will be glad when those nerves get themselves realigned and regrown. I had an itch on my right breast, but felt it on my left.... there is just nothing right about that.

We spent about an hour cruizing a super huge target with a full grocery store in it. The place was still packed so I wore my mask. I only wear it when in the hospital, the one place they say I don't need to, um no, sick people are at hospitals. Of all the places I may or may not wear it, the hospital is for SURE one that I will. I also wear it if the stores are packed. It's funny how many more people I notice sneezing and wiping their noses now.

When we got back I took Yo-yo's new leash and took her for a walk down the dog area and to the bluff and then back to the trailer. By the time I was on my way back my legs were getting tired and I wasn't sure I could get back up the steps. I have found when I am really tired I don't lift my right leg as well and it gets caught on the top step. I usually have spotters at the top and bottom of the steps because I can't lift or push more than 10lbs with my arms. I feel every pound across my chest when I do. I did make it pretty much unassisted to my aunts and uncles yesterday for dinner. I don't carry anything extra though, not even my wallet.

Bill left for home about an hour ago. I don't know that he'll be back down until it's time to go home. He's doing my work and his job both. Disability hasn't set in for him yet so money is really tight this payday. Uber important to keep my jobs going as they will pay the bills right now. It will all catch up eventually. Just have to hang on til then.

I'm going to attempt to wander over and take a shower tonight. I think all my wounds can get wet now. Last time it was shower day.... they re-admitted me. MUST WASH HAIR.

All is well for the time being, and while I thought I would have a whole weekend of peace and quiet, home health will be here tomorrow since they are worried about this ugly wound that isn't healing on my left side.

So much for my weekend. As if I have anything else to do right?

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T19:19:00.000-08:00

In our little home away from home our little family had a fabulous dinner. Bill drove down this morning and brought me my babies and I've sure missed them. They were happy enough to see me, my little yo-yo was super happy to have her mommy, Bridgette was just happy to see someone with a blanket.

Bill brought down a ham with him, Auntie made salad and rolls, Granny made sweet potatoes and turkey stuffing (greg's request), Uncle was sure we had pie and ice cream, and I picked up a veggie tray while on my walk at Safeway today. It's been rainy and wet so I haven't been outside walking much. I try to get to some store, or to the hospital every day to do walking. I didn't walk much during stay #2 because of the uber painful drain line.

The home health lady was by today to check on the new site and to do a new update since I was just released. The new drain looks awesome they said, nothing more than a needle mark. One of the old drain sites is giving them all fits. It's not sealing up, has quite a bit of dead tissue, and isn't changing for the better in it's prognosis. They are trying a new type of dressing on it to try to lift out that dead tissue and open it up to something more pink. They will now be coming out every other day to be sure it's making progress. I can't see the darn thing to tell them one way or the other. Everything else looks spiffy. The incision looks awesome, healing nicely with some Vit E slapped on it daily.

Take blood sugar, blood pressure, temp, weight, pills, mark, check, and chart.... wash rinse repeat.

Stay #2

2011-11-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

On Friday, the day after my release date from stay #1, I had a few tests to have done. While I was waiting for test #1 I ran into my reg pulmologist Dr. Blue Eyes. He was sad to hear I felt like crap. He could also visiably see my whole body shaking and guessed my Prograf was too high, would look into my numbers, would order something other than glorified Tylenol for my pain, and told me I was doing SO SO SO good for being less than a month out! Chin up, it would get better.

Test #1 was a nice simple "spyro" which just measures my current lung capacity. While I didn't feel like I was moving more air, it turns out these lungs are working at least 4 times better than the old ones. It was good to see that, because really, I couldn't feel it in here.

Test #2 was a high resolution CT scan of my lungs. Ct lady said my right lung had fluid around it. No one called me all weekend, Bill was here to visit, and on sunday I called the home health nurse to come and see if she could pack the old drain tube hole that won't seem to stop draining.

Monday morning was a morning of tests again. Starting the morning off with a 7am bronchoscopy with biopsy. That's pretty much where it all went down hill from. They got in for the bronchoscopy and found my lungs look GREAT, but the right one was smooshed. They called in radiology to do an ultrasound to look for pockets of fluid. They found a "medium" sized one that they decided to put a chest drain in for, though the radiologist thought he'd gotten it all with the 500cc of fluid he pulled out at placement. Dr Golden (fabulous pulmonologist) said they would be doing NOTHING else to me while I was there, I'd stay over night but as soon as it quit draining I could go home. This was one of those little drains, about the size of a straw, but they placed it in my back. You can't lay on it. Mine you couldn't even TOUCH without me going through the roof it hurt so badly. Once they finally found me a bed, 12 hours in the radiology dept on a gurney, the nurse I had was instrumental in getting me some pain meds. The doctors couldn't agree and in the mean time where just letting me lie there in agony. She was one of my nurses during stay #1 so she knew what I HAD been on and what HAD been working so she just kept on them all night until she finally got me something. She also had to track down my medications since there were no orders for those either. She must have came into my room hourly with another something for me to take as the orders trickled in. While she was there she would help me shift my weight around and make it so I could lay as close to on my back as possible. This let my mom rest as she was up with me all the rest of the time.

I drained jut shy of 1000cc that night alone. We had thought that I would be home from there yesterday afternoon because at 1:30 it seemed things had slowed way down. However as the afternoon rolled into night I drained another 250cc. One more night and today they let me go, again. All in all, with the initial drainage at placement, this "medium" fluid buildup drained close to 1800cc. My heart rate has dropped considerably, which we really expected with the new lung placement but was hard to call with the pain I was in. When the poor girl came into remove the drain today I warned her it hurt like heck. She said #1, this is in a horrible place. And #2, it's laying against your diaphragm. Every wiggle, sneeze, burp, bump, cough moved it either into my ribs (where they push the tube through for placement) or into my diaphragm. When she pulled it, it was pure fire from my shoulder to my belly button. Then my right leg went all pins and needles. Once the burning stopped, about 3 min after she was done, it really did feel better.

Mostly I can notice the reduction in fluid only in that it is slightly easier to draw a breath. You'd think it would be a HUGE change. I'm sure it is! Only my chest is still on and off numb. This could take months to go away. When I get jiggled or bumped around, say in a car, my chest goes numb, and while I know I am breathing, and can sort of feel that, it feels mostly like a great weight is on my chest.

I have a free pass tomorrow and am hoping to get back to my walking, which has been far less than I was hoping to achieve. My babies will get here tomorrow, and while I'm not sure I'm having Bill leave them altogether, I am looking forward to a visit.

I'm getting rather shaky now, so I'll go for now. I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayer. As always, one step at a time. At least now there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't just a freight train headed my way.

Transplant Hospital Stay Recap

2011-11-23T15:48:00.000-08:00

Transplant recap.

At a little before noon on Thursday the 3rd my phone rang and I saw it was the SF area code and my gut reaction was “what in the hell do they want now.” It was Jill, one of the pre transplant nurses to tell me that had a donor match for me. She had a few things to tell me and our call (oops, my bad) got dropped so she returned my call on my home phone. In the mean time I was trying to rally my family for the trip down. I called Bill at work to tell him and wound up screaming at him because he couldn’t hear me over the mill noise. I located my dad even and got him headed down. My mom, aunt and uncle all car pooled, and as it turned out, Jill called me back and talked long enough that I was able to just wait a few minutes for Bill to ride with Greg and I. I actually had to tell her she had called me on the land line and if she wanted me driving I’d have to GO.

I’m not sure how to say I was feeling at the moment. Greg and I had a little cry. I think the anticipation and worry kinda all hits you at once. Up until now it had just been something that was going to happen, eventually. Waiting to get listed, waiting for a match. You can’t answer the question “SO when are you having that transplant?” So the answer is, still waiting.

We made it to SF in 4 hours arriving at just about 4:30, Bill dropped me at the door and went to park while I went to check into admissions. We sat there for an hour after I was admitted. It pretty much let everyone who had gotten out behind us catch up. I finally got a room assignment and came up to the 10th floor. Gown, IV placed (after 5 tries), x-ray, and, you guessed it….more waiting. My family arrived and we all chatted and yapped to pass the time. We were given a tentative start time of 10pm.

They wheeled me down to the OR at about 9ish and my family was given directions to the best place to wait and when updates would be given….. Blah blah blah. They were told to expect at least a 10 hour surgery maybe more like 16 hours. Just be prepared for a long haul but that they would receive update calls throughout the surgery. My mom, Bill, Greg, my dad, auntie, uncle, bills parents, and my best friends were there waiting it out. I can’t begin to explain how much that means to me.

I was given something to “relax me” and woke up after surgery. What I do know is the first cut was made at 11:40pm after the donor lungs arrived and were double checked visually to be sure they where a good match. They wheeled me into the ICC unit on the 10th floor at 7:20am on Friday the 4th.

Since I’ve never been one to do anything “by the book” I woke up after surgery, intubated of course, but able to sign or write notes. My husband came in to see me and I guess I was scrubbing on his hand trying to write a note. I remember him saying, “Are you trying to tell me you love me?” And me shaking my head adamantly NO. They quickly found me paper, shocked that I could write coherently when not even able to open my eyes. Something that amazed every dr, therapist and nurse who would meet me over the next 7 days. When intubated they normally give you enough drugs to be comfortable and quiet. Yeah, well not so much with me. I was in quivering pain in my upper back and nothing was covering it. I would write notes when people couldn’t “get” my signs. They removed my tube on Sunday and it was so freeing.

I can’t say I was overwhelmed with the new lungs. For one my back was killing me. Rolling and pulling during surgery had thrown out my upper back. It throbbed, it spasmed, and it clinched. I actually felt like I was breathing worse than before the transplant. My chest was tight and I didn’t feel like I could take a deep breath. I was so disappointed with the way I felt. Every person I talked to who had been through transplant had said “oh wait until you take that first breath after transplant, it will feel so GREAT!”. Well I felt like was hell.

After 12 to 15 hours of being off the ventilator my surgeon came in and talked about putting me back on the ventilator. At that point it seemed such a HUGE step back that I just cried. They were even talking a possible tracheotomy. I was told my new lungs needed more rest. That they had come with a little party prize in the form of mild pneumonia and my body wasn’t happy. They didn’t say “rejection” to me, but they did to my family. Rejection, chance of death….. All those things we had dreaded. I cried while they knocked me out to put me back on the ventilator.

Again I woke up unable to talk, and still in pain. STILL IN PAIN. You have no idea. This was not, owowowow I have a huge cut. This was OMG someone is stabbing hot knives between my shoulder blades and the only thing I can do is lay on my back.

Tuesday night I was sitting up and felt a drip down my back. Bill got my nurse and sure enough, my epidural line was leaking. They made calls… nothing happened that night.

Wednesday morning they came and assessed that my epidural had in fact migrated out and was less than 1/2mm under my skin. They would come back after my bronch and after they removed the ventilator to replace it. The anesthesiologist said he couldn’t imagine having this surgery at all, let alone with an epidural that had migrated out.

Wednesday afternoon came and they were ready to take me off the ventilator again. Finally at like 3pm it came out for what was the last time. I was SOOO over it by then, but my bronchoscopes where starting to look like healthy lungs. I remember looking up at one while I was intubated and just seeing the insides on my lungs looking like white sloughing snake skin. Not mucus either. Just white and grey and dead looking. Wednesday morning my scope looked good, PINK! No mucus still, I became listed as an A-typical cystic. Yeah D’uh we know.

On Thursday I had another scope, this would be daily for the next 3 days so I’ll recap them all here. PINK! CLEAR! Healing nicely. No signs of ANYTHING abnormal, and also usually not even enough mucus to have the lab run cultures, the Dr’s where having to add saline to fool the lab into thinking they had enough to grow cultures.

Thursday at some point (night and day were all running together at this point) they came and removed one of the extra large drain tubes draining fluid from around my left lung. There were two. We were jokingly calling them 2” PVC pipe, a joke totally lost on city people. They were actually closer to ½” rigid tubes. Later that day they came back and removed the second half of the Y drain in the left. That actually alleviated some of the internal pressure I was feeling. It did nothing for my back (as we were hoping) or for the numbness across my chest.

I also went for a short walk again. Walking was a real event. Tubes, bags, IV poles, nurses, support people…..

I finally sent Bill home too. He just needed to get back home and start getting our stuff done. I was stable now, and there was a chance I wouldn’t leave the ICC but would go home straight from there, so no reason to hang for me to go to the floor.

Friday I went for a little walk and had a scope. I also got orders to move to the floor. YEAH! So they had to have a PICC line installed, like what I have at home. Once that was in and working they could remove the ART, artirial; think permanent blood gas if you have ever had one, line out of my wrist. This line was a HUGE pain. It caused machines to beep constantly. If I shifted my arm a centimeter it would set off alarms. They could also remove the large central IV line from my neck. HUGE blessings. And then we waited. No bed. At about 9 pm I gave up hoping to be moved and settled into bed for the night.

Saturday morning about 3am I started to spike a fever. It came and went all morning until about 11am. Another Bronch and the decision not to do another for a few days to allow my lungs to rest as the constant irritation was not helping. Was also agreed on that a medication that I had initially told them I had troubles with, I INDEED have troubles with and to discontinue it. A lecture over lunch about calorie intake and feeding my healing body. Then news. A BED. I was on the move to the floor. I took a quick walk in the ICC then we moved me out to the floor with all my remaining lines tubes and bags.

The move to the floor was uneventful but super tiring for me as those fevers had really drug me down. I was excited to get into a bed wider than a toothpick.

Saturday they also came and removed the final two big lung drain lines, leaving me with two little fine (about the size of fish tank air line) drains, one on each side. With those out they took out my epidural which also meant they could remove the catheter. YEAH! I had NO lines left except for the two drains, IV and 02..

Saturday night was horrible. The pain was awful and sleep was not happening.

I had a breakdown on Sunday. I was so tired again. “You look GREAT!” Thanks…weep weep weep. It was decided PAIN control WOULD be found. I was hesitant to start a bunch of narcotics and what I needed, a muscle relaxer, was impossible to give with the surgery. They don’t want you to not breath.

Monday morning I woke up in horrible pain at 5am. My bed had gone flat in the night. That SO helped. Pain control had started to be effective and we finally came up with a good plan as long as the bed would stay inflated all night. Instructions were learned by us so we could fix it ourselves. Monday after breakfast I get surprise news that I’m having a bronch. No lunch for me. Yeah. Not.

Again, bronch was clear, nothing to suck up and I wouldn’t be having another one until they do the one with the biopsy after I’m released. Best news all day. I was even lucid and interested (oh right and numb enough) to get the “grand” tour of my new lungs. I even got to count the stitches in there on each side. I can see how those bronchs would be fun to give. You have a camera and a vacuum. I can’t tell you how many time I wished pre-transplant that we could just suck the crap out of my lungs

My surgeon came in to visit and immediately wanted to know why I still had an epidural, and I said I didn’t. “Then why are you on oxygen, you don’t need that, only while that epidural is in, off with THAT,” Now we are down to IV only and two little drains.

Tuesday started out with me just being excited. My Auntie and Uncle and baby boy were coming down and bringing their house and ours for post hospital stay. Then in came one of my surgery team to remove the little drains. YEAH! I’m now almost line free. My surgeon proclaims I could go home on Thursday and could have gone home on Wednesday but she wanted to be sure my house was here and ready. Meetings and appointments are set up for Wednesday for discharge info and post transplant instructions.

About 5pm my family arrived bring some much needed clothes and fresh faces to stare at. Oh, and a bra. God bless them.

Wednesday brought my auntie, mom, Greg and I sitting through some late (of course, it’s the hospital!) stupid appointments. We had to read from the book of stupid. All the things I can and cant do post transplant. DON’T SWIM IN STAGNANT WATER. My pets are all ok, no cleaning cat boxes. Ah darn! Sadly this whole list was brought about by things other patients have ACTUALLY done (who might I ask swims in stagnant water?) and gotten sick from. Oh D’uh? Life now is about common sense. Large crowds of questionably healthy people in a small area? Wear a mask. Going to the store, don’t worry about it. The Drs and coordinators have some conflicting stories and I pointed that out to her. She’s super nice and I will like her a lot, but her tune changed when we realized I had already talked to them, so it became “they will tell you…. But I’d prefer…..” Luckily I will again have ONE coordinator who I have 24 hour access to. There are doctors on call to me 24 hours a day also.

Later, brought the, also late, transplant pharmacist to go over my ever changing (changed less than 5 minutes prior to her walking in the door) medication list. I am taking a fairly light dose of meds which they think will continue to lighten. They are having a very hard time getting a handle on my Prograf (anti-rejection and pro-graphing med) so this one we know will change every single time I have blood work. It’s been changing daily here at the hospital. The also had to add a salt pill to my diet as I’m not getting enough salt intake. Usually a post transplant no-no.

So the Diet info went out the window for me. Though I am having no trouble putting weight back on after surgery and only lost 5# while I was “down and out”. Blah. Sucky. I was so hoping for that 40# other people have bragged of. Hopefully the walking will do it. ;-)

Tomorrow home to the trailer and Bill will be here for a few day visit. He’s been holding down my job at home and will go back to his regular job Thanksgiving week. I’m hoping to be home home the 3rd week of Dec. That’s when the appointments here drop to one a week and I don’t see any reason to stay here for that.

Update Oct 2011

2011-10-21T16:22:00.001-07:00

So I said I would update when there was news to report and basically all there has been for the last few months was wait and update tests to keep the results current.

I was in SF yesterday and now have some news.

One of the tid bits of the summer was finding that my regular pulminologist (Dr Blue Eyes, if you've been reading here a while) was leaving the hospital where I had been seeing him. While I was bummed to lose him as my reg. Dr I found he was leaving to head up the transplant unit at UCSF. YEAH! I really wasn't losing him at all.

As he said yesterday, "How does it feel to be a VIP? You're Dr is now in charge."

"Hum, like something might get done."

So I ratted myself out about the IV round I had just done, seeing as I was told prior if I was on any IV antibiotics that they would suspend my listing, which is true, of someone who doesn't have CF and chronic infection that HAS to be managed. I double checked with my new reg doc and asked them what they thought, and they all felt that someone had dropped the informational ball and that rule shouldn't apply to someone with CF, but maybe I should wait to say anything until it was over and Doc was there. They were correct.

Doc assured me that any antibiotic use for me was FINE. Please tell them from now on, and there would be NO more confusion in relation to CF patients. He was mostly unhappy because they should/could have adjusted my allocation (place in line for lungs) number up based on the IV useage. However, he was more concerned about how low my allocation number was considering my oddball antibodies and general 02 needs.

We had traveled down the night before my appointments, so at the time of my appointment I was at my worst possible shape, without being totally sick. I was due for my medication and hadn't slept worth a piss. Anyone who's traveled with me knows I don't sleep well anytime I'm away from home, it takes me days to settle in.

He asked me to do a little walk up and down the hall, which I totally bombed. Even with 6 liters of 02 my oxygen level dropped to 81 and my heart rate was SKY high. He ordered a quick spirometry test which tests the volume of my lungs. I also bombed. Dr told me I was welcome to take the test at home and to feel free to um, fail miserably. *blink blink, wink wink* IE Don't go in jacked up on all your meds, don't try to impress me. The only adjustments they can make to my score at this point is based on Volume and Oxygen need. Bombing yesterday was ideal.

So the outcome at this point is: my 02 levels are to be 2/4/6 liters. 2 while at rest watching tv/read a book/on the puter. 4 if I'm doing any walking around/going to the bathroom/cooking dinner (silly man, I don't cook). 6 if I am under any physical exertion at all. AT ALL. He said, I KNOW you aren't going to do this, but this is my recommendation and you "should" *blink blink wink wink* tell me that you are following it.

Got it. No problem. Noted.

My volume was down another 2%, taking me to 20%. Basically where I was a year ago.

I do not know what the CAT scan looked like, probably crap and scar tissue.

Doc was SHOCKED to see my echo was normal and my EKG was normal too. With my normally high heart rate (over 109 per min), and the added heart rate due to the low 02 (running at an average of 119-125) he really expected hypertension but there was almost NONE. There is some. We've known that for 3 years. Totally normal and within the reversible ranges.

He listened to my lungs and restated it's clear why I was mistreated (even he knows how mean ya'll are to me..hahaha) for so long. My lungs sound TOTALLY clear. There was one little area of my lower left lung (the area that bleeds all the time) that crackled, some.

He said: He wants me on the top of the list for the next 6 months. Period. (Um, and after that, what then? I didn't ask.) He wants EVERY lung offered to me so we can cross match antibodies. We are still looking at only 2 out of 10 lungs being a match for me.

He basically wants this ball rolling NOW. It's been too long and we've been milking this along for too long, really pushing our luck. He's been saying that for the last year while he wasn't at UCSF, "what IS their hold up?" Now he gets a chance to find out.

It's all looking good. Really. I know it sounds bad and awful and icky, but it's all leading toward NEW LUNGS. And maybe my friggin life back!

Of course it means maybe winter in SF. Ummm EWWW.

Oh, and on the way to Stanford for my friends sons' appointment (which is why we had a two day trip rather than our usual one day) we passed the turn to the town where we will be parking our trailer for the 6 weeks of post care. REALLY easy. Super easy and practically a straight shot. Pulling the trailers and motor home through will only be slightly challenging for part of the trip, mostly because of traffic and narrow lanes. No hard maneuvers to make on the SF end at all. Was good to know and see mostly all for myself. Makes one less thing for me to stew over and worry about in the hospital.

The Writing Prompt

2011-07-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

So I am not a writer by any means. Odd since I loved to write in school, but I like to write from the places created in my mind, this was surprisingly hard.

You Can find the prompt here: The Writing Prompt

My Friends do it better:

Zube

Amy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am from the little white house with the green trim, from Folgers coffee and huge pots of beef stroganoff.

I am from the covered front porch, wood stoves, boiling hot in the summer and perfect in the winter, good ghosts and tons of kids.

I am from 2 palm trees and the damn nasturtiums.

I am from Christmas’s on new years and fiery tempers, from Sturgis’ and Jacobs, Granny’s, Nana’s and Aunties.

I am from the long living and long winded.

From measure twice and cut once and be good or I’ll know before you’re home.

I am from the Catholic and the Lutheran, from believing in God without walls, or all the kneeling.

I'm from the foggy little cow town, from homemade cinnamon rolls and lemon meringue pie.

From the man flatfooted man who yearned to be a soldier, a trucker, a carpenter, a housewife, an inn keeper, and the woman who could do it all.

I am from my memories and a plaid covered book, from notes in a bible, from boxes filled with everything ever created in school, hand-me-downs, and an old cedar chest.

2010-09-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

Facebook has caused me to seriously neglect my blog. I can one liner update over there and 90% of my 5 person reader base is over there anyway.

However I should probably update to say I did.

So the last big (evasive for me) test is finally CORRECTLY on the books for the end of Oct. At the same time I will meet with the surgeons who may or may not perform the surgery on me. I think I will go ahead and list at the beginning of Dec. My lung function is no better... though not worse either... than when they gave me a year to live in '08. I was considering that this week. That almost two exact years ago, my doctors were sure I wouldn't make it home ever again, let alone live through the year without a transplant. Chuckles on them. I did tell him, he didn't know me very well yet and he may want to reconsider his statement. Teach him not to listen.

However, things are what they are, and I will have to make this choice at some point. Might as well do it now. *insert eye rolling here* I'm not thrilled. Trust me.

So another thing had me chuckling this week as I was correcting G's homework. His teacher (not seriously) said to me when we turned in his sample work, "Didn't you know correcting in Red will bruise his fragile ego." I remember hearing this when he was still in public school too, so it's not a "homeschool/hippy dippy notion". If his ego is that fragile, red ink is the least of his worries. I swear if she'd been serious I might have gone a bought a BIGGER red pen. ;-)

I correct everything in red. It's easy for both of us to spot. I correct pages and pages in workbooks. Ohh suck on this one.. I only give 1/2 credit for his corrected math problems too. *Gasp* ...And I calculate letter/percent grades. (On the computer, in a spreadsheet, because, YES, I am that anal.)

Now your wondering how his grades are huh? Straight B's. I'm a really tough teacher. I might not ride him very hard about sitting down and doing X amount of work a day, but I do expect what he does to be done correctly, the first time. Which is why I have the spreadsheets. I can see if "failing" is the leading trend and we can make whatever adjustments we need.

I will be extremely glad when algebra is over. Just saying.

Off to start writing all the How to, What to do, Who to call, How to take care of, and What to do if... lists that my family will need for the surgery time.

the TACK BOX

2010-06-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

I just finished refinishing my tack box my dad made me when I was showing cows, some 20+ years ago.

True to my dads nature, this isn't just a "tack box", this is A TACK BOX. 4 foot long, 3 foot deep, 2.5 feet tall, made out of 1" oak plywood with a 3/4" thick oak top. Literally almost too heavy to pick up empty, let alone filled with tack. It's served many uses during it's 20+ years with me. It used to get hauled to the fair filled with cow stuff. It's housed my horse tack at rented stables. It's stored blankets for beds. But for the last 10 years it has been a toy box. A totally packed to the top, toy box.

With the recent de-cluttering of G's room, or rather the mass shoveling out and throwing away, the TACK BOX lost it's usefulness in G's room. He didn't keep any toys, thus none to store. We needed to make room for a dresser that he may or may not use. So what to do with the TACK BOX?

My mom offered to keep it at her house, but the TACK BOX has never seen a day outside in it's life. Like my moms chopping block and my twin bed (that takes 3 men and a boy to move), these are rare treasures made by my dad that he just doesn't do anymore, or I don't think ever.

So in case the TACK BOX must see outside time somewhere I decided it needed to be sealed and preserved. So I have been rubbing Tung Oil into the oak top, and Thompson's water seal on the sides and, when I can turn it over, the bottom. At least this way, G will have it to fill with toys again someday, because this damn TOY BOX will last forever!

Easter Cancelled

2010-04-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

On account of the snow.

We made it out to my moms in the rain and wind. I don't mind the rain and the wind, we could have sat at home in it, or at her house... didn't matter.

15 minutes after getting there the rain turned white and started to stick. We watched it for about 15 min before we decided it wasn't going to let up and Bunker Hill was going to become an unpassable bitch quick.

We left her house and made it to Bunker and there was already over 3" of snow sitting in Russ' driveway. It was an easy drive, just slow going, thankful for 4x4 because it was slick-slick.

Passed uncountable idiots headed out to "play" in the snow. Ranchers love that. /sarcasm.

Bridgette wanted the window down. She pulled her head in and she was covered in snow. It was pretty funny!

2010-03-12T22:40:00.000-08:00

First, my IV went fine thank you, but between it and it's time schedule, milking, feeding, and working, there was no time for blogging.

So lets re-cap since it's been since Feb since I was here last.

The kid count was bucks-11 and does-6 out of 13 does. Not great, but totally managable.

I was down to my last week of IV and my first week back to work after some IV time off. I'm really glad I scheduled work around this thing because it made me feel like CRAP. But the infection seems better, which was the goal. It's all about the end result yanno?

In the middle of January the breeder we got out first toggs from contacted us because she was selling out and wanted to know if we wanted any does. We said yes and took in two plus a buck. The does were thin when they got here, and probably bred, but the looked a little thin and not up close to kidding. Since when we bought them and the buck, and we were the ones to remove the buck, they could have been due anywhere from NOW to June. So by looking at them, they looked healthy but at least a few months out if bred at all.

Fast forward to the 4th of March when one of these does started to favor a front leg. It was late, pouring rain, and getting dark so I vowed to pull her in the next morning and check it out. The next morning she's down by the fence and really weak. We haul her inside, dig into her feet, which looked fine, and pen her up inside thinking she's being bullied out of the feed, though she looks OK. We start her on all sort of appetite inducing drugs, probiotics, and some antibiotics to be safe. On the 5th at night milking, about dusk, we get out to the goats and hear this noise. Something like a rat caught in a trap. It's hideous and nothing a goat should make. Greg finds his alpine kid stuck in a fence and we think all is right in the world. I walk into the barn and hear this NOISE again. It's trapped, it's dying and I can't FIND IT. I start walking toward the noise and see the penned goat (Mehaw) standing over a baby (WHAT!), it's dry, it is NOT making THAT NOISE. Over in the far far corner is a flat brown blob. I think dead kid. No, no, IT'S MAKING THAT NOISE! I holler for Greg, he comes, picks up o' flat one, shakes it a few times, and puts it with mom. She's interested, but you can tell she's concentrating on not falling over. We walk her up to, and lift her onto the milk stand and try to coax her to just eat a little grain. Nada. So on the way back to her pen, we've boxed up the babies to take home, we see what looks like a foot..... I say to Greg and he says to me "Is that a foot?" We think it was testing the temperature... nope to cold, I'll come later.....

So Greg just decides to pull this baby, mom is tired and obviously beyond done. She was thin before twins, we're scared shitless to see what she'd look like after triplets. Now we have a bag of bone with a hide thrown over, who had triplets. She's stressed. She we grab her little friend she came with for some company and hopefully a little encouragement.

The next morning she looks like she might have eaten, we keep up with the probiotics and keep bringing her in for grain. She has just about no milk, but really I wasn't expecting any, so a little was encouraging. Her little friend looks suspiciously like she might be making an udder. A few weeks I hope before she'd kid. I should have known my luck doesn't run like that.

We finally brave sexing the kids Mehaw had..... triplet does. The flat one, we call her the little Weetard, is a trooper and the first one on her feet. All three and very weak in the back ends and take a full day and half to stand alone.

On the evening of the 8th (Sunday) we go out to milk and find the little friend with twin bucks. Mehaw has stolen them and is feeding one, with her head in the feeder eating. Whatever makes her happy! We opt to just leave them there with the moms, for one, Mehaw is the strongest we've seen her in a week, and she's now plowing through the grain we offer her, for two, I work the next two days back to back long days, and two less bottle babies won't hurt my feelings, and three, bucks... BOO!

Monday morning the 9th we go out to milk and for the first milking in a while, find no kids! Only my best doe is looking CLOSE. She's not eating and she's hanging off by herself. Not things she does normally. She NEVER misses a meal. I warn Bill, who is going to milk for me while I'm at work, that he will likely find babies from Star when he gets there, and to look for them, she will probably hide them. At 4pm I get a picture text. It's taken from our gate. Way at the top of the hill you can see a couple specks.. the text says "fucking star had her babies all the way at the top of the hill." I get text after text for the next hour, with phone calls mixed in.... what to do, how to do it.... "Star had twins" "Oh no, there are two more that she's not taking care of" "Wait, she's running back and forth between them" "How do I get them off the hill?" "She doesn't want me to take them what do I do" "Two bucks two does" "I'll leave the bucks with her" "No, wait, no bucks I'm just bringing them all home" So Star- quad does. I don't see them until after work, and one is the tiniest thing I have ever seen. She's not even as big as my mini dachshund. She's perfectly formed, but her little hooves are the size of dimes. The biggest is a BIG kid, normal twin size, about 8-9lbs. The middle two look like normal quad kid size, probably 5-6lbs. One black, 3 brown.

The next night, Tuesday, after a hellish day; which included, but not limited to, waking up to my son lying on the bathroom floor curled in a ball crying, calling my husband home from work to help me with my job, and testing 700 cows, we finally make it out to milk, at like 9PM. It's dark, it's POURING rain, it's cold as hell, and we pull up to a mass of goats at the upper sheds. I know somethings up, I can tell by the look on their guilty little faces. Either they are kidding, eating something they shouldn't be, or breaking something.

Turns out the last two toggs were kidding. Nothing eventful here, unless you count Bill trying to catch the 2 year old and falling on his ass, which was rather friggin' funny......

Jade- twins buck/doe

Hope- twins buck/doe

So lets recap again shall we.

In four days we had:

Mehaw- trip does

Eregon- twin bucks

Star- quad does

Jade- twins buck/doe

Hope- twins buck/doe

Yes that is 13 kids in 4 days. 9 of which are does. All of which are toggs. We went from only 3 togg does up to this point, to 12. Thanks girls for evening the odds... all at once. Holy HELL.

We have one doe we KNOW is left to kid. She was due yesterday, she will kid this weekend, which means she too will kid while I'm at work next week, she's just a bitch like that. Yes Sarah, that one!

I sent one milker home with Lori today. I have a call in to the dairy to make a run up there tomorrow, but they are horrible at returning calls. Actually if they wait a little bit maybe Mehaws little friend will feel better because she can totally go, there is nothing impressive about her except her size, and I'll keep Mehaw for that. I have a group of yearling milkers to take, none impressive but all milking, and I think my reserve champ milking yearling (kind of unheard of win for a yearling milker) from last year shall go, I'm just not impressed with her either this year.

Well that's all for now, if you don't hear from me again for a while, you'll know I drown in goat milk. Or the babies ate me.

2010-02-21T22:08:00.000-08:00

We tease my husband about the time he said "so when are you selling some of these goats, you're not keeping them all right?" and 5 does died within a week.... Or the time he said "Hey didn't you say we were selling a couple of these bucks" and two died the next day from feed related bloat.

Today I said to the boy, "I need to send some of these kids out to the garage, they're ready." He says shush shush shush, the last time you said that Whammo we had three does kid.

So today we get to the goats to find his "new" Peaches with a baby hanging out. Not what I want to wake up to, I'm sure it wasn't high on her list of ways to wake up either.

For about 10 seconds I could see him start to panic. Then he asked about the legs, and I noticed she had a head and only one leg and what was out was dry, she'd been at it for a while it seemed we figured the baby was dead, so I told him to go ahead and pull... he felt to see if maybe he could feel the other foot and the baby licked him. He had no problem getting the baby out, the hard part really was done she just needed a boost.

I start milking and see another doe who's looking like she's ready, so I have him haul her in so we don't have to wander around to find her later.

We go to have lunch and decide to head back to check on the impending birth, and find a different doe kidding. She was looking close, but not that close, but she's kidded before, so we weren't concerned. Greg didn't even call for me, she was in trouble by the sounds of it, but she was too far up the hill for me to go after her. Greg brings her in with baby in tow, or maybe he brought the baby in with her in tow. She wasn't done. The first baby was just big and she needed a little boost, she probably would have been ok on her own, but we were there. So we're waiting for her to get with it already to have baby number 2, and she literally lays down, sneezed and plop, there was baby two.

Just about this time, the doe who we thought was getting ready in the morning, decides to get the show on the road. Only it was a really long road. Very very long road with lots of stop signs. I am pretty sure this was the second slowest kidding I have ever watched. And she was a bitcher. Whine, bitch, complain, stop pushing. So dramatic. So here's the boy, coaching her. Common Keep Pushing. Like this.. Urrgghhh (at that moment I'm thinking, OMG the poor woman he marries) and about that time the doe has half leaned against the wall and is letting her butt end sink to the ground and she gives him this look like "OH for gods sake shut the hell up with the pushing." She rolled her eyes in only the way a true togg can, and gave him what we call togg lip, where they wrinkle the skin on their chins and stick out their lower lip, and just look truly pissed. He said, "I don't think she like my Lamaze coaching. Well fine then, but KEEP PUSHING! "

So the count today (didn't I say I thought I was getting break)

Peaches- single buck (who is an escape artist already, waltzing back and forth through the fences)

Firestorm- twins doe/buck

Firecracker- single buck

6 flippin' gallons of milk a day that I'm bringing home and we're not even bringing it all home, I'm out of containers to haul it in. Aurgh!

2010-02-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

It was bound to happen. Today was the day of the bad kidding. We get one every year. The tear inducing kind. (not mine oddly) That's one thing I love about my son. I'm not sure whether he's sympathizing with the goat or himself, but when the going gets bad, homeboy gets in there and gets it done, usually shedding more than one tear while doing it. We have two small two year olds. We knew they were small, this is no shock and we were frankly surprised when the first kidded with no problem. This one wasn't so lucky, and of course, is the boys favorite.

It's never easy to pull a baby. It's really not easy when she's screaming in pain. You know it's hard, you know it's ugly, and you know it HAS.TO.BE.DONE. The boy is my trooper. I couldn't do it alone, just holding the doe for him to pull today was just about too much, my air left the building. We got it done. I should say, he got it done. All I do is direct. It's like kidding Cal-Trans. I'm the one holding the shovel.

That was one big friggin' buck. Yeah, of course, after all that work, a buck. A really friggin' big one. We thought he was born with a broken neck, but he was just limp limp. We rubbed and rubbed and he popped up and stood before we were done milking, how on those poor legs I don't know. This is one reason why small twins are always better.

So lets see what's the update now: (hell what's the date?)

2-18 Tundra twins doe/buck (gah, she's a psycho.)

2-19 Dawn single buck (moose)

One of our babies is the dude at a frat party who chugs his beer and then crushes the can on his head yelling AURRGGGHHH DONE!

Yeah, she's that kind of eater. And she's about 3lbs. Teenie tiny. Ok, maybe not that small, but she's little. She only stands 10" tall. But she's all about a bottle then she gets all wiggly, totally reminding me of the frat party dude. ;-)

Personally feeling OK. Off my predisone right now, unless I'm working. I can't stand the swelling and puffiness anymore. Now my back hurts like hell. I go get my IV port put in on Wednesday for 10-14 days of antibiotics at home. That will be fun to work around. I had the time off, but a client called and wanted to get back on test, and I didn't want to put them off too far. March sucks for me. Plus my auntie is having back surgery and when I find out when I would like to be there. It's the least I can do for my uncle after them sitting with me through all my dads surgeries.

So the goats are milking me out of house and home and I'm feeling OK as long as I don't overdo. All is well and right.

Off to feed these glutton guts, need to use the 3 gallons of milk in the fridge somehow.

2010-02-17T19:55:00.000-08:00

And the obers are making up for the last two year dry spell of no doe kids.

2-17 Autumn twin does

2010-02-16T11:48:00.000-08:00

For those keeping score: To date:

2-11 Stormy twin bucks (one rode the short bus to town)

2-13 Capers twins- doe/buck

2-14 Shikari Twins- doe/buck

2-14 Leah- Abort (Greg's alpines are off to a roaring success! /sarcasm)

2-15 Charlotte- twin bucks (thank god she wasn't up to any records this year)

2-16 Escapade- single doe (first freshening yearling)

2-16 Endora- twin bucks (first freshening two year old)

Not quite half way. So far we have 3 keepers and one buck we're going to grow out a little to "see". Greg's not having any luck so far with his alpine project but he's had a great offer from Sarah that I think he's going to take her up on. He has one alpine left to kid but she's a real bitch, and I wouldn't put it past her to eat them just to spite us. ;-)

So far I'm drowning in milk. Remind me of this is a month when I'm scrounging for more. Though with this doe rate I'm liable to have to buy a calf. I'm really only milking 3 of those does so far (charlotte had her kids til this am, and the other two JUST kidded) and I'm getting 2 gallons a day. Charlotte will add another at least gallon a day to the milk alone, but those two firsties I don't except much from. With only 4 mouths to feed after Thursday...... I'm freezing it as fast as they produce it.

I expect by the end of today at least one more will kid if not 2 or 3.

====================================================

Edit to add:

2-16 Maddy twins doe/black both black (She makes the birth of the year. Our first black doe in years, and the first doe she's ever had.)

2010-02-14T07:37:00.000-08:00

V-Day self love day brought to you by the ever so slightly hung over Snackipoo. (They had a rockin' valentines day party last night.)

So the game is to list one thing you like about yourself this V-Day.

I've had this picture downloaded for 4 days, you'd have thought I might have put a little thought into this. So I guess my power of procrastination shouldn't be it.

I think I'll go with my dedication. To pretty much everything except this blog. Work, animals, friends... I'm pretty much there until you either shit on me too many times (which changes daily) or shut the door in my face.

The end.

2010-02-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

My chickens are high. It is winter. We all know that. You know, fairly cold, windy, rain.. I mean LOOK outside, it's not pretty, well most of the time. These moron freaks are LAYING every darn day. While most chickens are smartly molting and I dunno, just eating, this time of year, mine are making short work of my refrigerator space. Bill is actually fixing eggs before work. We only own 4 of these hens, 4 are supposed to be my moms, but her coops isn't ready yet. Thankfully only 5 are laying.

Greg's foot is on the mend. Still icing daily and wednesday we'll start hot/cold soaks to start trying to break down the bruising. Yeah! Fun! Not.

Still.No.Babies.

2010-02-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

Kidding season is baring down on me. We clipped about half the milkers today. Tomorrow we'll catch the skitzy ones and get them done. We did manage to get all the kids caught and clipped and it looks like one might go down the road with the "not bred" does. She's young, but pfft I just don't need her. She might be due late, but whatever hasn't kidded by the end of March, and doesn't look close by then... is hitting the auction trailer.

I am tentatively willing to say I think my one and only AI stuck. Though I thought she came back in heat, it seems she's going to kid on her AI date. She'll make a liar of me and fill her udder a month early just to screw with my mind.

Other than that it's a crap shoot from now till the end of march. I pen bred and have dates for all but 4 of the does, those are all the kids I bred to one buck, all penned in the same pen I can't see in from the barn. Out of 21 breeding that's not so bad.

My mom went back to the DR today. SHOCK! I haven't heard what they said so will call her later.

I have plans to do 10 days of IV antibiotics at home the end of this month to the beginning of next month. Other than that I am still in the testing phase. I'm holding off on all further tests until I get these anti-s done. My arm had to heal from the last tests before we could have a port put in for the antibiotics, which is why I'm not doing these over this week off. My arm finally has healed, now it just looks stained where the hematoma was. Heat and ice helped immensely.

2010-01-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

Friday was to be a fairly easy day appointment wise because I ran all over yesterday to make it that way. The only test I had for this day was the Right Heart Catherization. This is were they thread a wire through my vein to my heart to measure the pressures there and test its strength. I was only having to have the right side tested, so this should be easy. The only part of this test that had me nervous was the sedative as I have never been sedated for anything. I have no idea how I’ll react, and since I’m allergic to just about everything short of water, I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. Plus I had been warned it would require anywhere from 4 to 8 hours of recovery time. In case you havn’t noticed from reading here, I don’t do lie around and wait well.

Since my 24 hour test had been such a fail yesterday I was told I could check in at the hospital at 7 am, which to me screamed GO HOME 2 HOURS EARLIER, so we were hot on that and arrived at the admitting room at 7am! It was colder than a refrigerator in there. They were reconstructing the area and I don’t think there were any walls at all behind that plastic. From admitting (Do you have your 250 deductible? Oh lady trust me, that’s covered, I had a 3000 prescription arrive at my door two days ago!), we headed up to the cardiac unit for the test. From the fridge to the frying pan. It was like a 40 degree temp jump on the elevator ride up. Mind you this whole time I’m carrying this green bag, the type you can get at most stores this day to bring home your groceries and be all eco-friendly, in it I’m packing my wallet, nebulizer and meds, and a gallon jug of urine. I’ll give a second to let that sink in.

Recovered?

So at some point I need to drop this at a lab. I have the grand idea I’ll try to talk the nurse I get into it. Nothing says How are you today like asking someone to walk around carrying a jug of your urine. At least I sealed it up in a plastic bag, sheesh!

We check into the waiting area and wait to get called back into the “holding area”. My nurse comes to get me, and he’s very formal. Frankly he’s a little bitch and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to try really hard not the eat him alive. He turns me into the bathroom and gives me the gown speech and the “how to properly lock the door” speech, and today I don’t bother to hurry him along. I learned my lesson yesterday; I just tune him out instead.

I’m into a bed before 8am. Doctors start to pour by and I’m just not paying much attention. All the while my nurse, Brad, is hooking me up to heart monitors, blood pressure cuffs, and his sidekick gets the job of handing off the “bag”. Once she comes back she gets to hook up my regular IV, for fluids and the sedative. At this point one doctor decides they are going to try to get this done through an arm vein and not my neck. This makes me happy, he also tells me it’s exactly the same procedure as when they set my port lines for the IV’s I normally have. So I question the sedative and he says I shouldn’t need it! YEAH! This means I get to go home as soon as they are done!

Brad and I are yakking about their unit goals and teasing around, he’s really a nice guy. He prepped my neck for an IV with lidocane just in case, this is important later. Totally gay, but really sweet and not the complete bitch I thought he was going to be.

Now, Brad, gets to set the IV into a larger vein for them to switch out for a catheter in the procedure room. He nails it no problem in the big vein in my elbow of my right arm. (Keep notes on this folks, you’ll loose track soon.) He’s flushing it with fluid and can’t get the syringe unscrewed, and I can’t help him because he’s holding down my good arm. While we wait for the unit head to come over to help him, he explains that he doesn’t have any grip in that hand from surgery that he had to have after saving a patients life holding off an aterial bleed for 45 minutes, resulting in nerve damage in his wrist. Suddenly I’m pretty happy to have him as my nurse. This also explains his tick. He does this hand wave, finger flex, wrist twirl that I really thought was just his tick, turns out it’s because his hand is numb.

Now we wait. I had to wait for someone else to be done before they can start me, so they go get Bill, and I send him off for breakfast and to chill for a while, but let him know we won’t have to be there as long, YEAH!

Another nurse comes to get me at about 9 and we walk back to the procedure room. They lay me out on the slab and ask me if I’d like any happy juice and I decline, the IV is in dude, the worst is over………

In come the two wanna be doctors who are going to do the procdure. They look like they are about 12 and 13. I’m good with that, the hard stuff is done, all the have to do is follow the lines. So they switch out the IV for a catheter, which is not a job done without pain, but it’s manageable. In goes a wire guide. I can feel it go through my shoulder and I tell them that, and they say, “You shouldn’t be able to feel that!?”, umm sorry… I can? I tell them where the end currently is, and they both get rather quite and say, um, wow, she shouldn’t be able to tell that. Again, sorry, but I can. And Oh, SHE isn’t sedated, and SHE can HEAR YOU. They root around in there for a few minutes and conclude that the vein is occluded and they need to set another IV.

In comes supervising doctor, because tweedle dee and dum aren’t sure how to proceed. Another vein, into the neck…. One of the two is holding pressure on my arm where they took out the catheter, and saying to the others, Um, she’s still bleeding, A-Lot.

Again, NOT SEDATED!

And, you don’t have to whisper I can feel the blood.

So he tries small talk instead. I tell them not to worry they are doing fine, I’m fine, go ahead and try for another. Super doctor thinks they should try a vein in that same arm and use ultrasound to be sure it’s not occluded.

One of them drew the short straw and trys to set another IV, while the other one holds pressure on my arm that’s still gushing blood. There is a lot of, right there, no little more, no back out, forward, to the left, right there, no too far. Then the debate is on as to how to hold the IV in place, as it’s barely in the vein, and sterilize the area, while one holds the IV. Turns out they can’t do it, and they lose that spot too. So the other one trys. About 2” below where the first one had, thinking the problem was that the IV needle was too short for the area of my arm that they were trying to access. I suggest a longer needle while they are cleaning up and getting ready to start again. You know, mostly to remind them NOT SEDATED!

That one? Fail. He rooted around and came up with what appeared to be a good stick, but by the time they sterilized everything, it was occluded. More consult, what to do, where to go now....

Now super Doctor says switch to the other arm, and we’ll have a nurse set the IV by ultrasound. Best damn idea all day. Plus he swung by my head to offer happy juice again. I decline again. I’m no martyr, I am just really freaked about the sedative and would rather deal with the pain. Which really isn’t all that bad at the time. I mean I didn’t cry at all. After having someone try, and fail, to shove a catheter up your nose, this is a freakin’ cakewalk. Super nurse comes in, nails the IV and we FINALLY get a good stick that isn’t in a vein that’s shot.

It takes appox. 15 minutes to get the data they needed. I’m making them a little nervous by telling them where the wire/balloon is the whole time. They blocked the screen thinking I was looking, until the nurse told them my eye were closed anyway. Haha. Poor guys. I bet they hope all their future patients are nicely sedated. I did joke with them at one point that they probably wished I had been sedated.

My nurse helps me sit up and the room takes a spin around me. Lying flat on my back on a hard table for 2 hours had done in my vertigo, not to mention I had no feeling in my legs or feet. We head back to the “holding” area and plunk me in a bed. Looks like I get to rest for a while after all. My neck is itching like bitch, my stomach is lurchy,, and my head is loopy. One of the nurses grabs me a jello like product in a color that isn’t anything close to orange and I eat that. That settles the tummy and will eventually help the head. They let me get dressed, pull out the fluid IV, cut my tags, and let me free! Well, actually Willy Wong (no shit I can’t make that crap up) gets the honor of wheeling me out. Good thing I was sitting on the elevator!

On the drive home I find I have 6 bruises from IV attempts or blood draws, my neck is swollen and itchy from the lidocane (I’m allergic, goody!), my torso is broke out in a rash (I’m allergic to the contrast dye too!!), and the two spots where Dee and Dum tried to put in my IV are already black. Like BLACK BLACK, and the size of a golf ball.

I didn’t take a picture of those two but they look like eyeballs. Black ones. The really weird part is this bruise is it will “take” a pattern. While I was sleeping the bruise took on the pattern of the wrinkles of my pillowcase.

Inquiring minds want to know

2010-01-16T14:13:00.000-08:00

We left on Wednesday for my 2 day trip to San Fran for testing, which means 3 days away from home. We left the critters here in the care of my mother and son and I (god help me) took Bill with me, because they said I'd need a driver home after the last test.

We stayed in Mill Valley which is this little quaint old historic mill town just this side of SF. The motel was about half of what I would have spent in the city and I probably drove less time getting from there to the hospital than I would have if I had actually stayed IN the city. Our motel room was HUGE, but upstairs, which sucked with the unlit walkways at 6 AM each morning.

The first day of testing was lab work first thing in the AM, with the lab tech who wasn't thrilled that I could have cared less about her "talk" about the proper way to take a urine sample. Lady, this isn't my first rodeo, save the sweet talk. When I tried to rush her through her little speech she says "I'm trying to make sure you're not confused!" (she was oriental with a think accent, I'm not sure which of us she was trying to direct) I'm pretty sure at that point I rolled my eyes... but I TRIED really hard NOT to. Isn't it all about the effort?

Once the vampire drew her 13 (yes really 13) vials of blood we were off to have hoses crammed where they just don't belong. Luckily all of my tests this day, with the exception of one add on were in one building, this saved on my lung function and made for a MUCH easier day.

Up to the 6th floor to the GI clinic to have a 24 hour acid test and a Esophageal blah blah blah test. Hey, I take the tests, I don't memorize the names. Nor do I remember the names of doctors or techs or nurses. This may seem rude to them but I see so many, and most only once ever, I just don't bother. My mind has enough clutter, really. The VERY nice woman calls me back to the torture test from hell, and actually explains WHY I have to have the torture test from hell, which THANK YOU. Her name was Joy. I know this because I spent the next 15 minutes staring at her chest while she tried to shove a pencil up my nose. Epic FAIL. We could not get a catheter to pass through either nostril. Since that couldn't happen, that meant I didn't have to wear the tube overnight either, nor did I have to totally screw up the cardiac unit the next day while they had to wait for me to get the tube removed before they could have me.

Down to the Plaza Level for an abdominal ultrasound. Ever had a baby? Pretty much the same damn thing. So either they didn't believe me, the urine test, and the blood test that I wasn't pregnant, or they really did want to look at my liver and kidneys.

Down again to C level for a CT scan. Giant donut x-ray basically. IT takes clearer pictures in slices. So they can get a much closer look at what's going on in there. You lay on a table and they pass you back and forth through the donut while the camera whizzes around inside the donut. It really sounds a little like a jet taking off, and the tech told me it can go even father than what I heard it going. Some ten revolutions every .4seconds. I will be interested to hear what the differences between last year and this year were. I'm hoping that my Pum. Dr can get copies of all these results.

Now, back up the the Lobby of Parnassus building, only we found that at some point in our comings and goings in and out doors, we were in a different building. I'm not sure how we did that exactly without ever going outside, but we had to go outside to get back. Ehh, whatever, it was fine and we were only next door. I finally receive a call back from one nurse coordinator about trying to combine one other blood draw with the heart test I was having the next day. Turns out the heart test would be ventricle (through a vein) not arterial (through an artery), so them drawing blood wouldn't work. Dammit. This meant I was going to have to have someone shove a needle in my wrist and dig around for the artery there. A note should be made I HATE this test. Almost as much as I hate a failed nasal catheter.

Now I'm technically done with all the tests for today, but to save myself running all over in the morning before the heart test, I run up the block and have my EKG done. While I'm there my nurse coordinator FINALLY friggin' calls me back from the day before. She has scheduled my ABG (blood gas, needle to wrist test) on the 5th floor. OK, I make sure I ask twice which floor. 5th. She's sure, I'm sure, we're good to go!

We head back to the 5th floor of the first building we were in. We read the signs. Nothing screams GET BLOOD SUCKED HERE. One way says: Lung and Allergy. The other said something that sounded blood like. Hemoglobin Clinic or something like that. We headed there. They looked me up on the computer and said Oh no that's on the 6th floor, GI clinic. (Read first part again about not remembering names....) So off we head to the GI clinic. Or should I say,back to the GI clinic. We round the corner off the elevator and I'm all Dude, we've been here before. Bill says, "how can you tell, they all look the friggin' same?" Then I'm all, DUDE, IKNOW we've been here before. Oh yep, there is the receptionist lady from 8am. I said to her, ha, bet you thought you were done with me HUH? So she is totally sweet, makes 5 phone calls (5, because my nurse coordinator doesn't return calls, or apparently answer her phone) and finds out that YES I am supposed to be on the 5th floor. At the allergy clinic. I thank her profusely and off we head the allergy clinic.

I might mention that at this point it's about 11:30. I haven't eaten since the day before at 6pm, and that was only 1/2 a grilled cheese. The elevator is really beginning to be a head spinning experience and these elevators go at mach nine. We're sitting waiting to get this one last test, so we can just leave and eat real food. And waiting. And waiting. Then this man start talking to me. Do I look nice? Do I look friendly?Man, you have a southern accent, I look at you and see fried chicken. Turns out, he was a totally nice thigh, I mean GUY, who had a double lung transplant in '04. The, hot & sour soup, opps, man, he had been talking to before us, was a single lung transplant in '03.

Finally they call me back for my blood stick and we find out how unprepared some clinics are. You see, I'm horribly allergic to rubbing alcohol. It's a real pita at a hospital. They are not prepared for this at all. Now, they can use betadine, they can use a baby wipe, just don't use anything with alcohol. Turns out there was NO betadine on the floor. All of their wipes were expired, in Jan of '09 (check the stock much?). The poor tech finally found a bottle of betadine somewhere and we got the draw done. But not before I scare him by telling him I hope he's good and hurries up, I'm starved I haven't eaten in 17 hours. He stops, says, have you drank anything. I bat my eyes, lie like a rock, and say yes, plenty (4oz of My Dew totally counts). He breaths a sigh or relief and says phewwww he was worried about dehydration.

Then we ate. Went to the motel. The end.

Just kidding.

Well, not really. We left SF, saw an Outback Steak house, planned dinner, went back to Mill Valley, ate at DipSea, got a stomach ache, toured around Mill Valley a little (as long as you consider driving around and stopping a the pet shop, touring), drove out the Stinson Beach (their ocean is as ugly as ours, IMAGINE THAT), went back to the motel, and vegged until we went back to Outback for dinner.

When we finally did go for dinner we realized Outback was actually in a big box mall. OMG. I could have walked around Best Buy and Ross or Babies'R'Us ( after the urine, blood and ultrasound it's been confirmed we will not be needing such a store) rather than drive to the ocean. * forehead smack*

So I'll save the Heart test for tomorrow. This was enough to write today. The heart test day is a whole post worth on it's own. And I have the scars, bruises, and rash to prove it.

2009-12-31T21:36:00.000-08:00

So I had these great plans at 9:30 on New Years Eve to throw together a year in review picture post.

I discovered that A) I don't have any pictures from this last year on my computer at all and B) maybe I should have thought about this a little sooner. (Like maybe during the 10 hours today I spent scanning the TV for anything [oh god please, ANYTHING] to watch, while I felt like crapola and stayed on my 02.)

So maybe my posts will help.... I blogged at least once a month right?
No? Really?

January found me sick and I landed in the hospital in SF after a terrifying plane ride. I don't care who tells you it was "lovely and calm", she lies.

February found me still in recovery mode from being sick. It also was the start of kidding season.

March it was back to business as usual. Our last kids were born by the 2nd of the month and we lost our herd matriarch, we came very close to selling the whole herd. I fell on my ass and bought 8 chickens in the same month. I must have hit my head when I fell.

April, wow I am a really dull read. *tap tap* Is this thing on? Feed changes, doctors appointment and the start of show season. Oh and work....

May we lost a friend, went to a couple goat shows, finished our first doe, and it rained. And work....

June we hauled the kids out of the yard, reaffirmed the fact that I HATE Purina feed, and made plans to go to a long show out of state.

July we went to said long show out of state and had a great time. Bringing home a crap pot of ribbons helps. Oh right... and work.

August I posted NOTHING all month. Wow. You people are still here? Right. Only because I'm stuck in your feed reader huh? It's ok, you can admit it. Well I know we had our fair. Drama, blah blah blah, same BS different year, good judges though. I saw my DR and he wanted me to drowned myself for good health.

September we lost a close friend of my husbands unexpectedly from a heart attack. We also lost a former co-worker of mine from the fair. I just kept hoping I wouldn't be three.

October I lived to see another birthday but as usual didn't celebrate. Made an appointment with the lung transplant team for Nov., Greg caught a cold and shared, and I recapped all the reasons you should stop smoking.

November I saw the transplant team and got the go ahead to start having the pre-transplant testing. We had Thanksgiving dinner with my mom and got a new puppy. Oh and I still had a cold. I just can't kick shit like I used to!

December we had the trip from hell that I never recounted here (sorry) for the beginning of this testing BS. We spent christmas with my mom and Bills parents came for Christmas eve.

happy New Years Folks. I hope you all have a safe and happy new year.

2009-11-28T13:36:00.001-08:00

My brain is set to fry and it has nothing to do with the fever I do not have but feel like I do.

Holy shit information just flows out as fast as I try to store it. Greg and I came up with a pretty good meal plan for the next few days while we were driving home from the store. I get home to look for a tasty recipe I bookmarked (thanks Amalah!), and totally got sidetracked printing all the recipes Greg needed to update his cookbook for school. Now other than the side dish I just printed, I got nothing. Shit shit shit shit for brains.

So now I have to sit here and figure out what I was thinking of cooking, so I can make a shopping list, so I can go BACK to the friggin' store. See.... s h i t for brains.

Luckily I had plans to go to a different store to check out their meats, so that was kinda planned anyway. We would have made all the stops at once but the puppy might have eaten the groceries we already had, she has no car manners yet. And the 8lb wonder weenie likes to sit on the dash and just watch her get into trouble so she has more to sneer about. ;-)

2009-11-20T20:53:00.000-08:00

We traveled to San Fran for the big appointment this last week and I’m not sure where to even begin to explain.

I didn’t sleep for days. I planned answers, prepared for questions, and readied backup plans. This might be one of those times when planning for the worst isn’t in my best interest. I laid awake I can’t begin to tell you how many night in the last 6 weeks mentally getting ready for this 3-4 hour appointment.

That was the fastest 40 minutes of my life. 20 minutes if that time was listening to the doctor dictate a letter to my other doctors. I’m a lovely patient perfectly suited to their program. Which means, yes, I’m in. No, I am not “listed” at this time. Which means I won’t be looking to cause any traffic accidents in the greater northern California area yet. Now we enter the evaluation/exclusion phase. I have about 40 tests to be run through. I will be poked, prodded, stuck and charted. All of that will give them a “number”. That number is my sick/healthy rating and gives me my place on the list. We might find that I’m just not sick enough yet, and we don’t find that likely.

So where does that leave this whole thing? I don’t know. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I really feel a lot like I’m just trading one problem for another. Is a possible 5 years really worth all this shit? Because look, the numbers aren’t great, 85% of patients are still alive after one year; only 51% are alive after 5 years. Yes those are averages, and averages include everyone with every disease to receive lungs, but it is what it is and those are the numbers. I am young, and as far as we know, totally healthy outside of having lungs that are steaming piles of shit. Everyone thinks I’ll go much farther than 5 years, but the reality is, 5 years may be it. Could I survive 5 years without the surgery? When is the timing right? Now, tomorrow, next week, next year?

It’s a ton to absorb. My other doctors are just happy that I’m plugged in. My PF test was up a little more, which means I’m up to 28% of normal. My lung volume should be 3.06, mine is .86. There is no doubt my numbers are beyond bad. Another spell like last January could easily mean life on a ventilator until lungs come up.

I did like the doctor I saw. He could have cared less about my time out of the “loop”, he didn’t care about my medications and felt they were all fine and working so why muck with it. All the time worrying was for nothing, which it totally to be expected. Part of me knew that, but you can’t help but be prepared, I’ve had it go the other way too. For every laid back easy doctor there are 5 hardnosed, by the book, black or white, diehards with no wiggle room. I’ve seen and been in front of the firing squad. This was not that.

So now we go from here. Where we go from here is a path I’m not sure of. But at least we’re moving forward.

2009-11-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

Hauled hay today.
Fell through the fucking floor with a loaded truck and trailer. happy. NOT.
Had to have the tractor pull us out and board over the whole before the trailer could be pulled clear. Left rear tire all the way through the floor to the axle. Missed taking out the fender by a hair. Did not tweek the trailer or tongue, though I have no idea how at that angle. Hubby was seriously pissed. And not at falling through the floor, I mean that was expected. We're just shocked we made it this long. It was the manner in which they wished to yard out our truck, you know, the rig they DON'T OWN.

Still had to make a second load. Fucking Amazing.

2009-10-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

You know your day is going to shit when:

You are awakened at 7 am by the sounds of what appears to be your son puking in the bathroom. No, no, not puking (thank god, I'll shoot myself if that shit starts again)....that snarfling and gagging sound is him trying to blow his nose complete with an accompaniment of moaning and groaning.

You have a nagging feeling you are supposed to BE somewhere. You assume it's the bank to deposit the check you've been waiting on for 2 weeks!

Your phone rings and as soon as you see the name on the caller ID you remember where you where supposed to BE. *FUCK* Gah! I never do that. I'm blaming PROVO for getting us off schedule! Though I did remember to email last night to make sure it was today.... but forgot to go back and check for the answer. *Double GAH!*

This day has got to get better. From the sounds coming from the living room, maybe not so much. For me, with my el crapo lungs, having a sick child is a killer. I want to comfort him and do all the *stuffs* we do for a sick one. (Though he isn't little and cuddly anymore.) On the other hand I want to send him to the garage with a space heater and a warm blanket, setting his meals on the back steps for him while wearing gloves and a mask. *Ha*
I just can't risk catching his crud. Yet I can't just leave him to fend for himself, he's a baby still. *HA* Ok, MY baby still.

So we're off to screw up some more of this day. Looks like medication is in order. Ohhh and call the pharmacy. Good god I need a secretary.

A word of Caution

2009-10-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

Just word of caution for all my dear friends in case you are ever in the position to wear oxygen and are still upright and capable of moving. Or a word to the wise for all my smoking friends... *ahem*

1) The 20ft hose will get caught on everything. It hurts like hell when yanked. Think reins on a horse, only through your nose.
2) It is highly annoying when some steps on it, because DUDE, it's attached to my NOSE for gods sake.
3) Equally annoying when you step on it yourself, only without the satisfaction of anyone to yell at for stepping on it.
4) Kittens will think it's a great toy.
5) They will flop their fat bodies on it and expect you to drag them through the house. *I'm looking at you, Evil.*
6) Husbands will forget about it after a while and hook their foot in it, ripping it totally off your face, and barley blink, while you are holding your nose making sure it's still attached. As soon as you can catch your breath from the pain, you can commence yelling, but the spry bastard has escaped the house.
7) You will wake up at least once a night wrapped up like a friggin' mummy in 20 ft of hosing.
8) You will learn not to roll completely over, you will learn to roll from side to side to keep 7 from happening.

I'm sure I could think of more, but these will get you off to a good start in case you are ever in this position. Which for the love of god don't be.
I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep if I ever get to retire George. I'm kinda used to him humming in the room and the hiss of the O2 in my head all night.

2 new lungs, please

2009-10-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

Well, ok, since I'm frighteningly good at saying something significant, and then, ohhh, you know, totally dropping the ball, like I did over at LJ, I thought I should pick up the pieces here and fill in the blanks.

I have my appointment for a transplant consultation. It's Nov. the 19th, in case you are the praying or sending good karma type. This is where they decide if they'll accept me into their program at UCSF. This can go several ways:

A) You're a total fuck up and regardless of your lung function we don't feel your a candidate for transplant. The fact that I spent 10 years out of the "loop" could stick me here.
B) You lung function is low enough to qualify you, but your general health and mobility makes us choose to wait. Come check in every 3 months and we'll list you at a later date. You know, possible right before you die. Oh, and fuck you for being active and stubborn.
C) Holy shit batman how are you creeping along in life? We need to list you right away. Which, Dr Blue Eyes says, based solely on numbers is where he'd put me. It's that meet me, seeing me in person factor that screws me every time. See last line of B.

If A happens, well I don't know where to go after that, but I'm sure Dr. Blue Eyes will have a suggestion. Rest assured I will cry, bitch, and probably scream and I would recommend avoiding me like the fucking plague for awhile.
If it's choice B, well I won't be ecstatic but at least we're on the radar and if something takes a turn for the worse they can list me quickly.
If it's C then the next couple months will be a blur. In two to 3 weeks they will call me and I'll have to do a bunch of lab work and testing. These are exclusion tests. If I fail, I'm excluded. They will be checking for other diseases that would make transplant pointless. After that it's waiting time. I can't think of anything that will exclude me, unless I'm harboring cancer or some damn thing, in which case, shoot me now.

So how do I feel about all this, you ask. Lets see.....

Mixed.

On one hand, won't it be AWESOME to get back to the things I've been "modifying" out of my life for 2 years!
On the other hand, what really and truly scares me about the whole process; once we get past this "rejection based on human perception", because I hate that, black or white baby, period; is the surgery itself. I'm totally scared shitless they will kill me on the table. Because then all of this is totally pointless. TOTALLY. This is the part that makes me go WHOA. Right now, I may not have the best/fullest life, but umm HEY I"M ALIVE. But the other side of that is, if they don't kill me, and I come out the other side, I will have 6-10-15 years of normal living. Where normal means I don't have to fight to not only breath in but out. As Dr. Blue Eyes has pointed out, I have no idea how hard I breath. Normal people don't DO that, he tells me. To which I tell him no one has ever accused me of being normal.

Yeah there will be some major drugs I'll have to take.
But in number it will be 1% of the drugs I'm taking now. The time factored in will be minuscule compared to the hour/s it takes me to be ready to leave the house now.
Go hiking, yep. Camping, yep. Goat shows/chores, alone even, yep. Stay the night somewhere without lugging 2 machines, 10 drugs, 2 back up oxygen sources..... holy crap, yep! Not being a never ending burden on my friends and family, yep!

Is this the end all cure all? Well for my CF it is. We don't feel I have the intestinal issues, which means, for now, I'll be CF free and it WILL NOT come back into the new lungs. However, Out with CF, In with anti-rejection medication death. Right. Now I die from the transplant.

So right now I just try to get "in". In the program. On the list.

2009-10-03T15:19:00.001-07:00

Noted in case my husband questions what we did while he was off hunting and sleeping all weekend.

Unloaded and restacked 1000 pounds of alfalfa
Cleaned chicken pen
Cleaned baby goat pen
Installed perch and nesting box to winterize the chicken coop (Hopefully my mom takes her chickens before winter)
Fixed a better hay feeder/grain tub/waterer for the baby goats at the house
Cleaned BBQ pit room and put away 4 wheeler w/ cover after husband used it and left it out in the yard for the chickens to roost/shit on. (Grr)
Went to dump hay/shavings
Did all the friggin' dishes
Currently soaking the milk bucket and milk jugs in soap and bleach.

I will not be three, I will not be three, I will not be three....

2009-09-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my husbands "second dad" passed away from a sudden and unexpected heart attack. As we were told, he hadn't been feeling well and when his wife called home to check on him he didn't answer, she rushed home to find him unresponsive. The 911 call went out, and one of his other "kids" was the first on scene sheriff and was unable to revive him either. My husbands brother was the third to arrive and all the boys stayed with "mom" until the coroner had come and gone. My husbands BF was this man's oldest step son, and my BIL's BF is this mans youngest step son. All 5 boys (yes there is one other, in the middle age wise, step son) grew up next door to each other since my husband was 10 or 11 and his brother was 7 or 8. My husband will be driving down to spend the day with the family on Sunday.

Today I find out that one of my fellow sups from the fair died of kidney cancer. She hadn't worked at the fair for a few years now, and had been exposed last year to some sort of toxic gas and inhaled it at her new job. It burned her lungs and heart and apparently did damage to her kidneys that they didn't find until too late.

Also today I find out (no one dead this time) that my mom had a bad fall yesterday and THEN her truck caught on fire on the way off the mountain on her way to town. Her and truck are fine. Truck was/is fixed as far as I know.

I think I'll go find a rock to hide under for a while. Sheesh.

2009-09-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

When at my doctors on Friday he suggested I try this. He is a funny funny man that Dr. Blue Eyes. It should be noted that I have a sever phobia of having water up my nose. I have a hard time in the shower for gods sake and Dr BE wants me to voluntarily shove water up my nose. Irrigation is for fields people, not my sinuses. Upon reading the instructions, when I got to the line where it says, "...squeeze bottle until water starts to drain from the OPPOSITE nasal passage...", I just about threw the whole damn thing out the car window, freebie or not.

So it's taken me several days to man (woman) up to trying the damn irrigation system. Several of the talks went like this... "Oh it'll be fine you sissy ass, besides how will you ever convince your kid to try things he's unsure of if you won't. Oh screw you self, I've told him never to jump off a bridge if his friends do, I don't think drowning myself is going to prove any points."

So today I manned up. I had the boy ever so slightly warm the bottled water for me to drown myself with. Hey, I want to be warm and fuzzy while I DIE. Add the solution, which is really just a mild salt and baking soda mix, and march myself into the bathroom.
The directions say to bend at the waist and tilt head down, this keeps the solution from running down your throat... and you from gagging.
After a few trials and errors getting the bottle to work correctly.. it contains a straw that you hold vertical and squeeze and it shoots the water out the top... which was much easier than trying to tip my head to pour the stuff/shoot it up my nose.
Walla we had water flow from the other side! Ohh and a bonus, water shooting out my eye!

Sadly I have no gross reports of any small mine fields breaking loose in there. I'd spare you those details. No I wouldn't, really, has it been so long since I've posted you've forgotten who's writing?

You do have to clear your sinus's with a few gentle blows after you use the Rinse. And people, there was fair dirt in there! F.A.I.R. dirt. The same fair that has been over for 15 days. Identified by it's serious black color. Trust me, once you've seen fair dirt, you KNOW fair dirt. I mean really! Still? Holy crap.

I did notice that for a couple minutes when I tipped my head from side to side I would get a little water drip-age.

So the Sinus Rinse passed my test. I didn't die. My nose feels, umm... like a nose? Really it doesn't feel any different. For me this is to help alleve my allergies and maybe, just maybe, get me off the OTC decongestants that are really bad for my heart. I think it may take a few tries to break some of the old stuff we suspect is there.

But the main thing... I didn't DIE!

2009-07-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Um I came home to dry chicken and overcooked broccoli. But I can home to dinner! Though it may be dry chicken and overcooked broccoli. Enough mayo and I can stomach anything when I'm hungry.

2 Am milk test. Yeah... or not.

So I'm sitting here snuffing as much oxygen as I can and praying like hell we don't have a repeat of last Thursdays AM milk test. Since I have to get up again really early on Sunday I'd like to NOT have a repeat.

Bright side.. on Sunday I can wear my 02 all the way up there if I feel the need.. or all the way home.. or the whole damn time I'm there. Because I won't be working with cows!

2009-07-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

I got.....

nothing.

Hopefully after the show next week I'll have something to say. I wouldn't could on it though. I just don't have anything other than what's been said/done.

*Sigh* Life is truly boring.

2009-06-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

The dash

If you notice on a tombstone or an obituary your date of birth and date of death is separated by a tiny dash. This tiny symbol represents everything you have done in your life. The people you have met, the people you have loved, the jobs you have held, the lives you have touched.

How will you live your dash?

2009-06-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

I rock finding a motel.

45 a night, two beds, free wi-fi, free snacks!, one free hour of long distance a day, and "if we won't be up when you check in, we'll leave the light on and the key in your room."

Sometimes it pays to just sit and make phone call after phone call. I was about ready to settle for 79+tax a night and call it good.

Lady says, we're an older motel but we're clean and the beds are new and comfortable. I said Lady, you just said the magic words! Then she said, oh and we have free wi-fi. Holy Shit, it's like a little slice of heaven!

Entries in (check)
Living arrangements made (check)
vet check arranged (check)

I'm kinda looking forward to this.. all except the eating out 3 meals a day or fair food. That I'm not looking forward to. But! We have a fridge and a microwave and there is a 24hour store a block away. OH and, if we need a place to park our trailer, No Problem, just bring it down, we'll keep an eye on it. Hello? Who gets this kind of service anymore?

2009-06-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, and this little snippit than anyone who plays FarnTown will find humorous....

So I'm driving along the highway and look out over a feild full of... queen anns lace and think....

"Wow, their potatoes are ready to harvest."

Step away from the computer. Put down the mouse and everything will be just fine.

2009-06-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

My back = Completely Fubared.

It took three days for the muscles to loosen enough for it to pop and relieve some of the pressure. In the mean time I took enough Ibuprofen to warrant buying the 1000 tablet bottle. We figure it'll last 176 days.

I need to go see the chiropractor and get new insoles for my work shoes, but I'm waiting for my finances to mellow out a little.

I overestimated (?) the speed at which people would send payments to me and fired off a big payment to one of my bills. This all resulted in a near disaster when another bill, which is auto- payment (and like 600 a month *screw you UPS*), went through early. *Ahhhhh*

It's all clear now. I'm just letting the dust settle for good measure.

All else is going well. I do wish the damn weather would PICK a mood. Rain... Sun....Wind..... PICK a combination for fucks sake and let me adjust. This humid shit is killing me. Literally. My lungs tighten up like nothing else the more humid it is.

I"m going to a fair in OR and figuring the best way to swing the *OMG* motel bill. A #1 first reason why being on O2 at night SUCKS ass. I can't camp, saving myself tons of cash. No, no I have to pay 100 a night to sleep in a crappy bed which might as well be the ground so I can have power. Now I could take my neighbors generator, but I think the fair campers would kill me in my sleep for keeping them up, no matter how quiet that thing is.

So there you have it. What I'm doing this summer.

2009-06-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

Crap, so I've been a little absent. I blame Crackbook and that time whore Farmtown.

And the goats. I've seen alot of my goats. And cows. Lets not talk about the cows, m'k?

But today. The head it pounds. (I had to re-type THE three times, OMG)

What was I saying? Oh yeah, the head... it pounds. Nothing so far is touching it.

Today's todo list included

hauling the kids to the property and removing their little (yeah NOT) asses from my yard and worming them. (DONE!)
packing and shipping milk samples from the 1000 cows I've seen in the last two days (Packed but not shipped yet)
getting some pig feed (DONE, epic FAIL)

No where on that list is a pounding headache. Please NOTE that!

A note about the pig feed; EPIC FAIL. I stopped to pick up a bag since Sarah pointed out that taking the heifer grain out of my mix (thanks feed store guy for being out, AGAIN) I was losing protein. Shit! So, knowing she's (and others) have been feeding it with success I though this might be a good quick fix. On the way hauling the goats I stopped at FF to pick up a bag. I never shop there because they carry a brand of feed I think sucks and which my goats normally won't touch. (First clue) Oh, and they are horribly overpriced and 90% of the employees are idiots. But hey I was pulling a trailer and it was easy to get into.
And really, it's pelleted pig feed, how bad can P***** screw it up?
Apparently enough that my goats would rather STARVE that TOUCH grain that has touched pig pellets. I mean literally. They wouldn't even sift through it and pull out what they liked.
So I threw some in for my kids to see if they will eat it, ha.. they don't know any better, if not, ummm Sarah you want to see if yours will eat it?
I'm not sure if it's the brand or the product itself. I'll have to try another brand once I figure out what to do with this 50lbs.

2009-05-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

That was alot of cows.

I don't know why they insist on doing this to me but we averaged 88 cows an hour overall, BUT the first two hours... we ran through 110 cows an hour.

I was really glad to see those big heavy milkers come in the barn with the grade A string. It's like having a really nice break. It takes a long time to get 65 pounds of milk out of a girl.

Gatekeeper

2009-05-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

What sad sad news. Our longtime friend and the reason we have dairy goats lost her husband on Tuesday. We lost the doe we got from them, who started all this madness, in Feb. Her husband got sick in Feb and lost his fight this week. We have kept in sporadic contact for the last 7.5 years. We always see them at shows and catch up. They were a lovely couple, and she is a nice lady.

When I heard I immediately sent her an e-mail and prayed she hadn't changed it since we last talked. I told her how sorry I was, but that now I knew Peaches had a great tender until we could join her ourselves.

She e-mailed me right back. Asking about Peaches. Offering us her togg herd. Which I hands down offered to take. So much for downsizing. So funny what people find comfort in. A quick conversation about something totally unrelated to the tragedy at hand can be like a little break in the storm. So it looks like the Peaches clan will reign again. Not that they don't already. I did have to ask to not get anything to closely related to Abra, Peaches' mom, since everything I own can go back to Peaches, with the exception of one doe and her two kids.

2009-05-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

The nice thing about waking up early is I get so much done before I would even normally be UP.

I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and by the time it did I already had all my paperwork done, the milk samples ready to ship, my meds taken, blogs read, and babies fed. Right now it's just about the time we would normally go to milk and Greg is loading the car so we can go milk and then get feed.

And this weather could make up it's mind for fucks sake.

I mean I'm ok with the fact it rained. We did need it, it dried out way too soon for my liking, but 1.5" in a DAY... people.. NOOOOO we did not need to go from 0-60 in .50 sec. And yeterday? Fucking Lovely.... where was I? In a barn with 636 of my closest 4 legged friends. At least they are calm pretty girls to look at. *sigh*

Today I want to catch 2 yearlings (goats) because we have a show in a week and they are wild as hell... and the weather can't make up it's mind. Rain or Sun.... hummmm lets keep them guessing ALL morning. I mean it is only 8:40 but sheesh people I don't have ALL day. Well ok actually I do... but SHHH.

2009-05-01T12:58:00.001-07:00

Red letter day.

Clipper blades are back
Registration I applied for on Sat is back
Paycheck was sitting here with I got home

And I found a milker to cover my goats while I'm out of town to show at Red Bluff. So now I think I'll show both days. Sarah?

2009-04-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

For Sarah-

Found a feed suplement and am just starting on week 2. So far so good and the goats LOVE it! Rice bran pellets. 12.9% protein and 11.2% fat. I'm seeing a start to slick and shiney already. That's saying something for how hairy those toggs are.

Some lady may be calling you, I gave her your number, she's looking for brush/pets. She's the lady who's boers I had for a while, she's safe.
=================================================

End this message where I was too lazy to open my e-mail program.

=================================================

2009-04-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

It's so much easier when it's just an update.

Yet it still will take me all year to get around to it.

I think I'll be seeing pedigrees in my sleep tonight.

Now on with the picture taking and loading of those, because really? Some of those goats are 3 years old for gods sake. I should have a freakin' picture by now.

Yet this keeps me from what I really don't want to do and that's unpack my shipping boxes.

2009-04-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

*achhoooo*

Wow I should come around and dust a little more often. Sorry for the absence. I just haven't had a lot to say that I haven't said already. Just been doing the same ol same ol.

Been feeling better-ish. Every day is different. We did have to take me off one of the drugs they were hoping would be a huge help for me because it actually made my breathing worse.

My last dr's appointment went about how I expected. I'm marginally better but there is no room to really gain much with the amount of permanent damage to my lungs. As in, there is no mucus to clear out to gain capacity, my lungs have rotted away similar to emphysema without the total hardening. I have major inflammation and that's what we are trying to find a happy balance with.

In three months we decide which (not if) transplant team I'll be joining. I'm hoping to be able to stay at my current hospital. However in these economic times it seems unlikely they will find the grants they need to start their unit as they hoped. So it looks like I'll join UCSF and at least get hooked up, it's not that they'll put me right on the list, though my DR thinks that shouldn't be a problem. I'm a prefect candidate.

Frankly the thought of the transplant doesn't bother me at all, I'm rather looking forward to new lungs, but the switching doctors. OMG! I'd rather eat nails.

So there you have it. It's starting into show season, on one of my busiest working months, and I'm totally unprepared. I also don't want to run myself into the ground. I rather like breathing, though it is fairly overrated.

This years kids have me wanting to pull my hair out. They are all very nice and I can't pick just 5. I think I'll toss their numbers in a hat and draw. I think i can chalk this season up to a success. *knock on wood*

*because I said that they will all die in the heat. 100 on my front porch in the sun. screw this!

For the record

2009-03-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

two down two to go and this week will be over
I do not recommend land diving
my ass is fine but my elbow shoulder and neck are killing me after my little swan dive onto the pavement. *of which I got not a SINGLE freaking bruise that I so truly diserve, yet spanking my dog for YET AGAIN whining at the chicks and pawing at their cage caused my thumb to swell and turn black because I caught her dog tags with it.
I tried to "help" on friday at a dairy after i took a sample I dipped and turned out a cow, not realizing they had tied up her machine. To do this the wrap a rope from one side of the machine up and over the cow to the other side of the machine, it helps stop air leaks and helps keep the machine on small teated cows. The result was a cow backing out while wrapped up in hoses and rope, oh yeah, with me in the middle. Eventually something gives, usually the hoses slip off the machine and whip around. Did I mention I was in the middle of this? I got a nice hose beating for my trying to help. OHHH and a bruise from THAT!

Karma made me her bitch this week. And here I thought I'd been being so nice lately. *Hum.

2009-03-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

Annoying is taking as many meds while "well" as I do when I 'm sick.

It's very hard to stay focused and dedicated to the program when you never catch a break. I do the same things now as I did while I was sick. Only then it was recovery and now it's maintenance.

I find myself having to really TRY to stick with the program and not say "Oh hell I feel fine today I don't need to take/do....."

Grrrr.

Ever heard the saying "As many _____ as Carter has pills"? Yeah only when I was saying that to myself this morning it was As many....... shit, as many pills as Carter. Shit.

2009-03-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

Rate of gain this week for the babies is 33.5 pounds. That's 3.35 per kid. Still no complaints. Shoot one of these kids is already 28 pounds at 3 weeks. OMG! HUGE!

Happiness is NOT having a "hunting" hound and 8 baby chickens.

2009-03-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

I should be shot.

That is all.

And not in the "if I was a horse I'd shoot me" way either.

More in the "what in the hell was I thinking" way.

2009-03-09T11:44:00.001-07:00

As promised I looked up my bucks averages from last year to see if these where just doe throwing bucks. (a handy fact to know if you are pushing semen sales).

But alas, they are not. Last year the two of them were straight up 50-50 bucks to does. Many bred to the same does as this year.

*Sniff*

BUT. I buck I sold to a fellow breeder made the young sire list for 2008 for ADGA. I hope she uses him!

Grr... the fact that the horoscope in the newspaper I read this AM and the horoscope on their web site don't match pisses me off. Today's was totally fitting for what I was talking about yesterday.

Information to Sleep by OR Why my doctors hate me

2009-03-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

So this might be the vary reason my doctors really hate to deal with me. It is a curse and a cure all at once. My attention to all the details makes them thankful, because I notice every little change and we can catch the big nasties quickly, yet that can cause anxiety for me and I'm sure them to with I didn't have their phone numbers.

So here is another example of my detail nit picking;

We have 10 babies born last week.

Since last Saturday they have gained overall, 488 oz. That's 30.5 pounds overall and that's roughly 3.05 pounds each. I think that's a good rate of gain since we like to see, what Sarah, about 10 pounds a month each.

These babies are fruit cake for hay. Grass hay thankyouverymuch that alfalfa shit is for horses or cows. I saw them eating hay as early as 1 day old and these 10 have already plowed through a whole flake. We have to modify a hay feeder for these little piglets. I think we'll need to add grain to their diet soon.

But not today. They all have sore shoulders and ears and a headache.
Shots, tattoos, and disbudding was on their menu for today.

Oh yeah, I can feel the love. Or not.

Black Tuesday

2009-03-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

It's taken me until today to feel like I could write this. We suffered a HUGE loss to our goat family on Tuesday. Frankly it's a loss I'm not sure we can collectively recover from. In fact, even though its been a couple days I'm sitting here bawling like a baby just trying to type this up. I haven't even been back to the property since she passed. I'm not sure I can face them. Not only are we lost without her, so are they. There is a power struggle there as they fight for the queen spot. The natural second in command is totally lost without her mother and constant companion since she was born. She's never been without her mom.

And we've never tried to continue on without Peaches.

For 7 and a half years this doe has been a constant companion to my son. She's been his friend, confidant, source of comfort, constant shadow. She's been everywhere with us. Every move, every show, every kidding.

We don't own a goat that isn't influenced by her genes and for that I am eternally grateful.

She was strong and powerful and kind and a bully all at once. She could pout like no other. She hated to go to shows but trudged through them as long as Greg was at her side. S

Sometimes we made her look like an idiot.

And she never cared.

And sometimes they looked great.

The field will always be empty without out you PooterButt. No one will ever fill your special spot, not only in our hearts but in the field or the herd.

Rest in Peace Elk*Mt*Farms Peaches. 3-3-01 to 3-3-09.

Thank you for your final gift to us of healthy twin does. Know we loved you and will always miss you.

And then it was over

2009-03-02T17:46:00.001-08:00

Our last kids for a long time were born today in the "break" in the storm.
Today equaled 2 does out of my favorite black togg doe (one black one), and one big black (Grrrrrrrrr) buck out of my ober.
We are officially done. I'm really not counting the one (or two) that are left because they were OOPS breedings.

So, that makes 12 kids, only three of them bucks. My buck rate is only 25%. I can handle that. My kid rate overall was way down this year, but that's good and manageable, so I'll take it. (Like I have much choice?)

I'm going to look back to see, but I think my togg bucks overwhelmingly make does. My togg rate is 9 does 1 buck. That's like 10% bucks.
I'm going to go look and see what those two bucks' rate was last year.
My ober buck is batting 0. 2 kids, 2 bucks. :-( No ober babies for us this year.

More on my rate when my husband isn't being all bitchy that we need to go milk, whens dinner, have you seen then timeeeeeeee, whine..... WHAAAAAAA. Oh man I can NOT take 2 more weeks lay off. I might KILLLLLLLL him. Really. Dead.

2009-03-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

There is a general rule with my herd of goats. We all stick together.

And they mean with EVERYTHING.

Take this morning for instance;
Since early this AM 6 does have kidded out 9 kids. Only two of which are bucks. Peaches (twin does), Charlotte (peaches daughter, 1 doe 1 buck), Shoshana (peaches granddaughter, single [black?] doe), Jade (totally unrelated, single doe), Capers (Charlotte daughter, peaches granddaughter, twin does), Shikari (unrelated/ different breed, single HUGE ASS buck). We only have 2 does left to kid, another Peaches daughter and one more of the other breed. Both have milk so? Anytime is my guess.

We call this 0-60 in two-point-two-seconds.

So lets go back to the fact that all of the "Peaches clan" are kidding together, which means in my mind they must be cycling together, is this genetic? Based on birth date?

Peaches and Charlotte kidded at EXACTLY the same time last year too. Not sure how that worked since they were bred to the same buck... Oh wait, they were this year too.

Frankly my bucks were damn busy 148-154 days ago.

Shohana has a very small udder with a tremendous amount of milk. For a first freshening first milking udder. VERY SMALL. Like.. I'm not even sure where that milk is coming from, her udder must be internal....small.

Jade has a very nice first freshening udder. I wish there was more GOAT here. She's short and short and WOW there is alot of HAIR on that goat! Her dam was short and short so it's not a great suprise but her sire was LONG and TALL. I'm not sure that part of her growth problem wasn't ME, so we'll see how this kid turns out. She and her daughter are my only purebred does left.

Capers I'm glad I kept one more year. Last year her udder was crap. This year her body has deepened, her udder is very much improved and smooth smooth fore. Well for now, I find that when they are first fresh their udders look great, and then the edema and swelling subsides and your left with Ehhhh.

The others arn't first fresheners and I know what to expect from them. Peaches will pout that I took her kids and stop milking in exactly 4 months and we don't care because as you can see from above we like everything she puts on the ground. Charlotte will milk like a cow and milk until I tell her to stop, but since this is the first year I've taken away ALL of her kids, she's going to bitch at me very single step of the way. She's also a little slow coming into her milk. Her udder was not full of colostrum like I was hoping. She's usually my reserve for the freezer. Shikari is milking very well and so far has a really nice udder for her breed. I'm not unhappy at all. She also reserved her spot in the herd for another year since she gave me a buck.

Something I never do

2009-02-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

I e-mailed a company and bitched about their lousy service. And by lousy I mean they are a catalog company with an on-line catalog, and they couldn't answer their phone so I could place an order. Never mind one of the items I was ordering I had to call in as per their WEB page instuctions!

So I went with another company for all the items I was ordering and paid about twice as much for it, BUT they were there to take my call.

2009-02-23T21:42:00.000-08:00

No babies for us yet. After feeling a few udders that looked tight, I think we have a while. So that means tomorrow there will be 5 new sets. That's how we roll around here.

The barn is raked and then swept so we are some what ready to milk goats again. Bill is working on getting me a baby pen in the garage set up for little babies.

We made a list on the door of all the projects we need to work on while he's off.

No work this week, no work next week. What? Two weeks off in a row... and I"m not in the hospital... wow.

Rosetta Stone Part 1

2009-02-21T14:01:00.000-08:00

So here is how Unit 1- Lesson One went.

I did the lesson first, which is a good thing because the instructions for each section are not very clear. It's possible if I had sat through that whole long introduction to the program part it may have been explained it there, but I tuned out after 10 minutes of hearing about the "total immersion system".

Lesson one equaled about 30 minutes. You go through 5 different parts... pronunciation, grammar, spelling, writing, .... and others. There is a lot of repetition which is GREAT. You will see the core Lesson One words in different ways, spoken and writen, at least 50 times. You will repeat those words back to the program prabably 25-30 times.

They introduce a word by speaking it and showing it over a picture of the item, then you match the spoken/shown word to a matching picture. You do that for several different items, in this lesson is was about learning girl, boy, lady, man. They then toss in things for those people to do, in this lesson eat, drink, cook, swim, run, and write. Only they don't tell you straight up BEBEN=DRINK. You have to figure that out from the picture and probably getting a few questions wrong. This I found frustrating.
You are also asked to speak the word/phrase into the microphone and it grades your try. In the pronuciation section it breaks the words down into parts and grades your trys. NA, then DA, for swim. (yeah I didn't know this was swim either I thought it was the word for nothing) I was fine with this section til the word CO-ME. I was about to toss the laptop into the street over the CO part. It wanted a short gutteral CO almost like a cough. That was totally un-natural for me.
When my son sat down to the computer for his Lesson One I sat and watched him because I knew he would have questions on the HOW TO end. Like when it says Una Nina (pretend that has a ~ over the n) and then pops up this blank window and then it waits. And if you didn't have help you'd be like... okkkkkk now what. Which is exactly what he did. This is where you repeat the word to it and it DINGS or BONGS.
There is also a audio companion CD. So far it's listen and repeat. I'll let you know more about it after we move on.

So far my cons are only that if you are using a computer with a touchy touch pad or one that likes to randomly lock up you will lose parts of your lesson and take a hit in the score department. It does grade you. This irriated my son no end. When we got to the end of his lesson one we realized it lost two sections of his lesson totally so he will have to retake those because this is for his school. This happened to me also but since I know I did take the section and passed it at the time, I'm not retaking it.

I'll update again after Unit 1-Lesson Two.

2009-02-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

Rosetta stone so far rocks. We can have different users so I set myself up a user name. I did the first part of the first lesson and it's pretty good.

Baby goats should arrive tomorrow.

Sarah... I will take you up on that offer. I may not have the stamina to clean out a hard kidding. I'm knocking on wood I don't have any of those... ROFL.

Yes Mandy looks like one of 4 LOL.

2009-02-19T10:40:00.001-08:00

Awww. I got the sweetest anonymous comment yesterday and it made me feel really guilty for avoiding my blog.

Yes, avoiding.

Because how much talk about my nasty poor health can 3 people stand. And two of you talk to me in real life so you get the story TWICE. At least parts of the story twice. Because really, here I only highlight things. That's because I'm a horrible writer and I know it.

So here is the basic update.

I've been home for just shy of a month and have another ripping lung infection. I am back on a different antibiotic, pill form. The inhaled one I take daily is a heavy duty one, but it's only for one specific infection and this is probably not a flare up of that one. We did order, and I was able to produce, a sputum culture (mucus from lungs) to see what I'm growing. Again. So quickly.

We know that the reason my lung are in this bad of shape is because the last year I've had reoccurring infections going that weren't treated heavily enough. What we didn't realize is how fast they were reoccurring. Normally I wouldn't have seen the signs of this infection coming like I did this time because I wasn't ever in as "good" of shape as I was coming out of the hospital.

Good... that's relative I hope you know. I can be off my 02 during the day. As long as I don't DO anything. I am by far getting stronger all the time. I unloaded a huge amount of my stress yesterday because I just can't make a commitment too far in advance. I'm even afraid to say, HEY next week lets do something... because I hate to cancel and change plans, that irritates me and I never know how I'll feel tomorrow let alone in a week.

My pets are fine, my cat is still lost, my goats are due to kid any second, my husband is about to be laid off again, my son is recovering from the flu/bacterial gut infection, his school is going well, my mother is still coming weekly to help clean my house, and it's sunny today.

Is it odd that my dog, the long hund, seems to know when my lungs are getting worse before I do? She isn't a really clingy dog, but shortly before I notice I'm "sick" she starts clinging to me. Like VELCRO. Like right now she's so close to my leg she might as well be UNDER my butt. Well ok, thigh.

Ok the teacher is coming. We are getting Rossetta Stone Spanish soon, I hope it's here.

2009-02-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

Nothing to see here.... move along.

2009-02-05T14:54:00.000-08:00

Home again Home again... jiggity jig.

So while I was forcfully removed from my normal living exsistance I wrote up a little journal with the intention of boring you to tears with it. I can't bring myself to torture you like that. Arn't you glad!

So you'll get the foot note version.

Into hospital with a lung capasity of .75L.
Out of hospital with a lung capasity of 1.46L. That put me at 39% of normal or right below the "can live a normal life" line. The good thing is that is without a breathing treatment. We are guessing that I will range in the 41-45% with treatment. 40% is normal living.

Into the hospital with so many infections they couldn't figure out where to start.
Out of the hospital with one that I will have forever and will be on the treatment every 28 days to control.

Out of the hospital with less drugs or regiemes than I figured. They are varied but not un-doable.

Home from the hospital on room air! Oxygen only at night and to excercise.

Home from hospital on Jan 30, only to relapse BADLY on Jan 31. A few frantic phone calls and my DR said if in 6 hours I wasn't markedly improved I was to go to the ER and make them call him, he was afraid on the trip home I had popped an air sac and was leaking air into my chest cavity.

New meds for over the weekend and rest rest rest.

Today Feb. 5th is the first almost normal day I've had since I got home. I have a all the meds in from shipments that I was waiting on. My new vest arrived today (you ever want to try it AD you can come anytime, it's rockin'
for airway clearance). I did say I would never own one of these rotten things, but I have 30 days to decide if it's helping or not.

I'm not sure how long it will be until I'm up and ready to work full time. Right now we are schedualling everything for weekends so Bill can cover me without having to reschedual people if for some reason I can't do it.

The ups and downs are daily right now. I'm sure soon they will be weekly then hopfully monthly then maybe yearly.

I'm schedualed for a 3 month check up in SF. After that we'll determine a longer term medication plan, meaning we may actually peal off more of these drugs (thank god, we're at $6000 a month now), and we'll plan farther out checkups. Blessedly though my nurse is only a phone call away and she ANSWERS her phone. *Gasp*

My dad and I are debating whether we should buy our own plane, invest in cal-or, or write it off as "will never happen again". Between us the flight people have gotten 60K in the last year.

2009-01-17T15:30:00.000-08:00

Miss me?

Guess where I am. No Sarah you can't guess you have the answer.

I'll give you a hint. It involved white coats, airplane rides, and more white coats.

Oh yeah we're in San Fransisco. I'm at Cal Pacific getting a much needed tune up.

The lungs are in bad shape. The heaviness I've felt for ages in my left lung are cysts. Those may never gop away and they harbor infections in there. When the infection in my lungs get bad those swell and the sensation I feel is heaviness. I do have damage in both lower lobes that may be irreversible but all those things things I've said I KNEW, I did know. The damage is from long term infection being harbored in my lungs for years.

Best case is that we can kick the infection and that will reduce the swelling that is making me unable to breathe. I will gain back my lung function and I will go along like a GOOD girl and keep in touch and working with a CF doctors and you all can read my ramblings for lots longer. You know without lifetime o2.

I do have to say thanks to the 4 of you that have stuck through all my rambling emotional distress. When you are surrounded my doctors that are a bundle of negative you tend to drag down with them. The doctors here aren't like that, and while this is major, everyone is totally positive.

So ready to get scared.
My lung capacity as of today is .89L.
HEY WHAT?! That's UP from yesterday, which was .75L. Normal for my size is 3.0L "Normal" for me is about 2.0L. So I'm at like 1/4 of my normal.

So here is where I am. Unfortunately my computer will leave with my husband tomorrow. So no regular posts, sorry. I will probably be here for at least one week more than likely 2.

Please keep me in your thoughts. I'm thinking I'm doing ok. I'm totally feeling better than how I felt before I got here.

Oh and I still hate to fly. EWW..... That flight was great they say, flat even. Pfftt... felt horrible to me. Of Course I was strapped a gurney.

2009-01-12T09:02:00.001-08:00

Answer me this... because I can't get the internet to tell me which means I'm not asking it the right questions.

If the barometric pressure is rising that means it's going to......?

Rain or Sun?

I always look to see what it is.. but never think to remember what it was. IE Oh looks it's nice and at 30.5 but what was it while it was raining.....

Oh sure I could probably dig back through wunderground.com and find the answer, but I bet one of you loverly readers know that answer off the top of your head.

2009-01-12T08:46:00.000-08:00

HI it's me! Not Dead yet.

What? You look disappointed?

Ha.

So mornings suck still. But then they have sucked for years so that's really nothing new. I spent most of yesterday off of the oxygen and did ok, you know, not doing anything. Today I spend most of the day off the oxygen and have to work.

Wish me luck.

I still can't quite bring myself to leave the house without hauling George with me. Panic sets in and all. I think I'll have to break myself into short trips once the dust has settled after this little round of roulette.

I must be sleeping again as I woke up before my alarm this morning and didn't feel like I could crawl back in for the rest of the day. I do know I'm not getting up over and over at night to clear my lungs.

I don't think twice about getting up and walking from my computer to my bedside now, with or without oxygen. We're talking 10 steps both ways, but last week it was a monumental task. This week, a blip on the screen. For that alone I'm sure my son is eternally grateful.

Bill started on days today. This will either go just fine or next week the neighbors might be wondering what that smell coming from the garage is.

2009-01-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

Ok I'll bite. Which is harder marriage or motherhood?

I find marriage to be harder. Motherhood is a piece of cake for me. But marriage I find a pain in the ass. I blame being raised by a strong single woman. Don't take that as I don't love my husband. I do, mostly. Just kidding. I just find it really easy to say, FINE pack up and take your shit somewhere else. Because if my choice is dealing with your, nasty attitude, condescending mouth, general crap, mental issues, anger management problems, my choice is SEE YA. I CHOOSE for you to be part of my life. I don't NEED you here. There isn't a fundamental part of me that has to have you here. I can change my own oil, fix my own pipes, mend my own fences, fix my own flat. Are those things easier with you here, sure. I'm not dumb. My husband was raised by a mother who 'needs' her husband. She can't do XXX because only he knows how to.
I was raised by a mother how did it all herself because she had to. There was no one to unclog a toilet or fix a broken faucet at our house. I tend to run like that.
My husband has gotten much more used to that. He even now "gets" it. He doesn't always like it, but he's so much better about just getting it.

Besides he can't fix a faucet anyway.

2009-01-10T10:37:00.000-08:00

Not dead yet.

Still bawling at the drop of a hat. Oh look, like right now, just mentioning bawling. What a frickin' wimp.

I'm trying to take a break from my oxygen. After the panic attack yesterday when I tried to leave home without it, I felt FINE, I have to come to some sort of terms with this. Or really, my life is over. No I'm not trying to be all melodramatic. Really think about all you know about me. If I can't do those things, those on the go things, what do I have left. My life as I know and love it would be over if I'm tied to this, or any, machine all the time. I just don't know if I can do that.

I looked into hiring a full time employee yesterday. I thought I had someone in mind but she went and got a real job with critters she likes instead of smelly cows. LOL. Anyway turns out I can't afford the workman comp anyway. (1600 a year! for less than 80 hours a month OMG) I may have to hire someone through a temp agency that will cover those costs. Bill said one of the people he knows hired a family member though one, which means I should be able to pick someone and then go in and say I want to hire XXXX. I have to do something to keep this thing rolling exspecially with incoming doctor costs.

And yes I'm working on getting to the city this next month. I got the referal number into my doctor and went to call him yesterday and forgot he closes early on Friday. I also applied for a PAP (precribtion assitance program) for people with Cf that it looks like we might actually qualify for. Considering some of the drugs used today for my lungs are, are you sitting down? Ready for this.... $4600 for 28 days! I'm already on drugs that are running us about 400 a month.

On a side note.. anyone want to drink this water for me?

2009-01-09T08:45:00.000-08:00

If you dont hear from me for a while it's because I'm tired of saying OHH I feel better... OHH I feel worse.

Fuckit. When I'm dead there will be a notice. If I get better I'll be back.

Cuz all the cool kids did it. I wanna be cool too.

2009-01-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

Your Word is "Fearless"

You see life as your one chance to experience everything, and you just go for it!

You believe the biggest risk is being afraid and missing out on something amazing.

Sometimes your fearlessness means you're daring. You enjoy risky activities.

And sometimes your fearlessness means you're courageous. You're brave enough to do the right thing, even when it's scary.

What's Your Word?

Cow or Corpse

2009-01-07T10:18:00.000-08:00

Ok an update because I hate when I read someone blog and they're all "hey went to the hospital" and then there is nothing for days and you're all, did they die? OMG should I send flowers, call, e-mail?

So the prednisone did as it's supposed to and opened up everything and I can breath. I even went for 2 hours this AM without oxygen. Am I up to working, no. Which is why I left Bill and Sarah at my job while I'm home re-oxygenating.

So I'm totally upright and breathing and probably smelling like a cow again, which I'll totally take over smelling like a corpse. We're shooting for avoiding that one for a while.

I'm into death avoidance.

But. I am supposed to drink 80 oz of water a day. Do you know how some people consider alcohol the devils liquid. Yeah I consider that water. I LOATHE water. It is nasty. Luckily Bill found me some flavored water by Nestle that isn't sickeningly sweet and I can sort of stomach it. Luckily all liquid counts like soup broth.Coffee and sodas count but also are dehydrators themselves, so add 2 take away 1. 80 freakin' ounces, that's like 3 friggin' quarts. Who the hell needs that much hydration? Yeah well, apparently me. "It keeps the mucus thin and flowing." So yeah for mucus leaving. Can't the make a pill for that shit?

And you can probably tell my mood is a little better. Getting a full nights sleep and being able to breath in anything more than small gasps at a time is a HUGE improvment.

Oh, my oxygen is annoying me. That's a good sign, means I'm getting too much. I'll be happy to turn it down a little again. Down from 3 yesterday to 2.5 last night, to 2 right now. 2 is my normal overnight dose. So being back down to 2 would be hopeful.

2009-01-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

Shit. On a stick. That pretty much sums up how I feel.

Hospital was totally unproductive other than to be told what I already knew and get a few prescriptions that may or may not help. I took a good long nap to make up for all the sleep I didn't get last night sitting up trying to breath. I'm dehydrated.
I'm trying desperately to figure out how to keep testing my herds while not testing my herds. Make sense? Oh good, now can you explain it to me? I'm hoping to hire someone and then step into a management/ shipping/ paperwork role. At least until I can get to the city and find out exactly what my options are from a doctor who has a fucking clue about CF.
Yeah the doctor today who told me I was having an asthma attack, he can kiss my ass.
I'm waiting to hear from on doctor about the referral I asked for to go see said doctor in the city.
I'm sitting here crying on and off and that's not helping my dehydration.
I'm shocked at the call from my dad today. I'm even more shocked when he called back. Why does it take me being at the end of my life span for him to try to be there? I'll take what I can get.
I'm just not ready to die.

2009-01-05T21:15:00.000-08:00

Well I made it to 2009. 2008 did it's best to kill me and failed. If I die this spring, we'll still blame it on 2008, m'k. You all remember that because, well I won't be here to remind you.

I spent all day today on oxygen while sitting in a cow barn. #1, not fun. #2 not productive.

In fact on the way home I came very close to just going to the hospital. If this doesn't give a little I'll probably be there by the end of the week. Nothing I'm doing at home is helping alleviate the issues.

Oh fun, winter again.

2008-12-31T23:34:00.000-08:00

Almost rang in the new year with "The Malone".

My friends sons band and they rocked. My feet and still tingly from the vibrations on the floor.

I say almost because it's 11:31 and we're home. I can only handle so much bar scene. I was mucho relieved when S & T said they were heading home. The fact that I'm so much older than 90% of the people in there might have had a little to do with it.

I thought about dropping by the Ivanhoe on my way out of town to see what my dad was up to, but then thought better of it. I'd rather not see him drooling on some 20 something. *Shudder* *Cringe* *Bleh*

So that was my night. I hope you had a good one yourself. And HAPPY NEW YEAR. May it not be as shitty as the last!

2008-12-29T09:44:00.000-08:00

Not much to report. I'm going into hell month feeling like ass. I haven't even gotten through the easy month without feeling like ass.

Last night was U-G-L-Y. Low oxygen, wonkie head, numb legs, aching neck.

Who's taking bets Chrismas '09 is going to be black? Oh shut up, you can't say you haven't thought of it. Shit I do.

I've considered selling the goats this year. Just keeping the pets. I may still do that. We'll see if kids change my opinion. Don't count on it as that's the time of year I hate the most. I dunno. I start feeling shitty and selling it all sounds very appealing, but then I'll do nothing but sit on my ass and do nothing. Which, while that sounds appealing for a short time, would be my undoing. I just can't be that bored.

The dreaded lunch went fine yesterday for the short while that it lasted. Short was GOOD. Come to find out they were here for most of the day, but we did lunch. Everyone was on their best behavior, except my husband, who can't help throwing darts at his brother for being a lazy ass, unemployed, not even trying to find work, able bodied, father of two. Too lazy to fill out UNEMPLOYMENT paperwork. *gaaahh*

I just kept my mouth shut. Good plan for me. I did try to kick hubby under the table but missed. Dammit.

2008-12-23T09:50:00.001-08:00

Happy "OMG Christmas Eve is tomorrow". Here's your bullet post for the day.

We're screwed.
As I type this I'm supposed to be putting together the baskets to take to my herds so I can deliver them this afternoon.
I'm trying to find something to give my mother. Because we drove all over the county yesterday, resulting in not only an empty search, but my lung sprung a leak. Sadly I even exhausted my on-line search too. *Shit*
I have to come up with something for Christmas dinner.
I do not know where we are holding Christmas, let alone the dinner. The weather is the key player.
I'm feeling smug, because while we made Greg pick out all his own Christmas presents, there is one big surprise he totally has no clue about.
I totally missed one other person on my list. Luckily my family and friends are used to getting late gifts. Ha.
I will never get these crocheted gifts done in time, they will be late to. I'm ok with that.
Happy 2nd day of Chanukah. I studied. Thank you Chabad.org!

2008-12-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

Brrr. Oh yeah and Brrr.

And brrr some more.

So I felt guilty (not sure that's the correct term) about not really giving a shit during breeding season and basically saying be bred or not. So I'm running a clean up buck through all the does for a week. He's chasing and they are having NONE of that shit thankyouverymuch. I'm not sure how many does my little ober buck bred. I think he wasn't very effective. I may have no ober milkers to show and no obers at all in 2 years. Too bad too, I like the does I have right now. Oh well.

I tossed the baby boys in with the other big buck yesterday, it was a free for all in the new buck pen. Anyone need a Togg buck? I have about 2 too many. One of these needs to go for sure and probably two.

And BTW, Brrr.

2008-12-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

Greg says to me last night, "OMG what IS that?"
I say; "What?"
He's looking pained, actually very pained, "That NOISE, you can't tell me you can't hear it."
At this point I'm kind of giggling. Yeah yeah bad mommy. "No honey I don't hear anything, mute the TV."
Ok now I see he can barley open his eyes and his cheeks are flushed, but still *snicker*.
"Ehhhhhhhhhhh, You can't HEAR that?"
"Uh, no. Just in your head dear. Only the dryer is running."
"Ok, it's getting better." And the redness starts to leave his face.
I tell him, "Ok if that happens again I want to know immediately and you're going back to the doctor."

In all seriousness I think those damn migraine are back. Headaches at night, ringing ears..... SHIT.

Oh and randomly my lungs started to bleed night before last and last night. Why? Is my lung ulcer on a schedule to totally fuck up all my jobs? Shit.

In case you needed proof...

2008-12-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

... that I'm totally fooking nuts.

Have you any idea how hard it is to photograph white? OMG. It was almost as painstaking as crocheting those tiny ass stitches you see there.

That needle? Fooking tiny. So tiny in fact that it pierces material like a needle. Yeah I like me a tiny weapon. I'm trying not to bleed on anything, these towels are white.

2 hours people. And only 2 sides are done with row one. I'm nuts. Totally and completely nuts. And I have 4 more to try to get done. This week.

Wanna take bets?

Oh and those squares? Omg..... I'm not even sure what my count is up to. I can do them in my sleep. I'm nearing the point of being forced to do the 50/50 ones and I'm already dreading that part. Ok fine I counted. 145. But somewhere I've lost 10. See... this is why I don't do big projects. Already I'm having to do parts over. Shit.

2008-12-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

Heard at dinner tonight.

"Get away from my food vulture."

"If I was a vulture, Sarah would hit me with her car."

"There I was just flying along when whamo...."

Humm, cute kid huh?

2008-12-12T08:11:00.000-08:00

I refuse to say.... "can it get any worse" because it will.

Lets just say, things happen in 3's right? Well my dads best friend dying while he was in the hospital turned out to be #1. #2 and #3 died within a week of each other, last Sunday and on this Wednesday. For god's sake hurry up '09.

We have a party to go to tomorrow night and I'm not much in the festive spirit. Frankly I'm a little in the piss in your wheaties kind of mood. For god's sake don't let any of them get snarky with me.

On a good note, todays 3am milk test went like butter with almost zero errors (a real oddity since this herd tests in barn once every 3 months).

I have not gotten one holiday card sent out other than to my clients. I had grand plans to bake for my milkers this week, I went to my moms instead. I'll buy them something, because I still plan to take around baskets... dammit.

Today I think we are going to go to the dump, get a gate to finish the buck pen because i've been to lazy to get the materials for someone to make me one, shop (not sure for what, but I think I need a little retail therapy), and find some crap (salad or dessert)to take to this party.

2008-12-08T18:57:00.001-08:00

For the record. The 50/50 squares suck.
grrrr.....

No other news, carry on. I'll be out of town this week.

2008-12-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

Crochet count. 80/616. I'm like 13% of the way. Yet one color of squares is almost done. Really would only take an hour to finish that color. I can do about 10 squares an hour while I'm on-line diddling around.

2008-12-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

A word from on the road. We are currently in Merced Ca. I've been to the lab and dropped off my meters and my milk samples. I'm exhausted because as always I didn't sleep last night.

Magellen got us here in one piece and with, more or less, less trouble than Mapquest. Though she almost found herself in a million peices on the highway in Santa Rosa, you know when we turned it on and it said we were still in Fortuna. No, biotch we are NOT. We ARE in bumper to bumper traffic and need to know where to TURN. It might have been tragic to call my dad and tell him his navigator was in a million pieces somewhere on Hwy 101. After we relocated the GPS and got her on our side she was a handy little bitch. "Continue on current path in 2.2 miles" Gee thanks, go straight F O R E V E R.

Tonight we've already voted on Carrows for dinner. We stopped at the truck stop we like on the way down and I think it's still with me. Ugh. 7am we're up tomorrow and headed to the lab. Unless I get a call. Maybe I'll sleep in. They did teach me a couple cool tricks for sending info to them (the lab) that I didn't know and of course PROVO acted totally stupid over. I do try to figure this stuff out on my own. Why they couldn't tell me Click on "Export to the lab", ummm DUH. Worse, I actually ASKED about that one!

So I'm tired, did I mention that? The fact that it's foggy and the whole trip was foggy isn't helping. I had thought about doing some shopping while here, but frankly I don't care. Maybe I'll stay in Santa Rosa tomorrow. Nahh, probably head home, unless I don't sleep again.

I do love this access to wireless though. Not only can I take the puter with me, I can use it in the car if I need to.

Right now my dog is riffling through the pillows on the bed. Too many to choose one to sleep on, or dig in, or you know whatever bored dachshunds do. I have a funny picture of her on the dash on the way down the way she rides most of the time, which I'd upload but I didn't being the connecting cord. You'll have to wait till I get home. :-P

2008-11-29T19:32:00.001-08:00

Your rainbow is strongly shaded indigo and blue.

What is says about you: You are a tranquil person. You appreciate cities, technology, and other great things people have created. You share hobbies with friends and like trying to fit into their routines. People are loyal to you and see you as a natural leader.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Thanksgiving 08

2008-11-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

We went to my moms for thanksgiving like we always do. This year had a slight (monumental until it was over) difference. I'm on oxygen at night. Any my mom has no power. While yes the easy answer would be, run a generator, would you like to get up to feed it? So I opted for the, go without, take the machine and gas up the genny in case. This worked out just fine.

Only my mom tried to bake me the first night taking the "chill" off the Hollister house. Holy crap. I like to be cold. The colder the better because

then I can bundle under my blankets. I literally cannot sleep if my shoulders are not covered by a blanket. She fired up the wood stove and then we let it burn out, but it was way too warm in there for hours and I couldn't sleep.

Aside from that Thanksgiving was alot of fun. It looked like this:

Just four for dinner. Not counting dogs. ;-) (there were 3 of those inside)

I only spent 15 min in the bathroom while my guts tried to fall out. It wouldn't be a holiday if someone wasn't holding there end of the conversation from the bathroom. Lucky for me that door behind my head there leads to the bathroom. They could have almost passed me the rolls without getting up. I thought about asking for a TV tray.

Friday we filled pot holes and burnt my moms brush pile.

And then she hands me this crochet pattern book. This is when I realize how evil my mother is. It has this pattern for a crocheted quilt. EVIL. 2 1/4" squares. 616 of them.

Guess what I did today? Why yes, the yarn store was open. thankyouverymuch.

2008-11-25T21:48:00.000-08:00

Work was fine. Which is saying VOLUMES for the herd I did.

The son looked like hell. Wow. And not even in the "you need a haircut and a bath" kind of way, which he did. Hauling shit all day does that to you.

So while I was waiting to start work I decided to start trying to figure out why the laptop runs so damn slow. Programs open like they are fighting their way through glue. It's sad. It was supposedly just 'reformatted' by a "professional" in ****townnearhere***. So upon digging I find ALL of my aunts photo's. I can't begin to tell you how many there are. It took 26 minutes to copy half of them to a CD. This same "prof" supposedly cleaned these files and saved them to disk for her.

She has the disks and the files. But they were never removed from this laptop. Nor were any of the 101 million programs she had installed.

So I copied a second backup for her of the photos, including the ones he "lost" and said were corrupted. They weren't, he's an idiot. I scored some great photos of my dad, papa, aunt, uncle, cousins.

The better news. I do not have to wait for that computer to be done defraging to play online. It's been at it an hour and it's only 25% done. Thank god for second computers.

Tomorrow I go shopping. Just shoot me. Luckily I need nothing turkey related. I need all other food we'll need. Breakfast/lunch stuff for the other days. Here's hoping Bill found someone to feed my dogs. Hate to be all HI Mom! We brought all the dogs! Hope you don't mind! Might be a short trip. REALLY short.

Oh and I need to make cinnamon rolls. Bleh.

2008-11-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

That's it. I'm a freakin' whimp. Or falling apart. Or something.

I think I mentioned I'm working on a sweater for my foo foo dog?
The brown hairy turd as my son calls her.

She's about a year old now BTW. I know! OMG!

Anyway. So I'm working away on this bleeping sweater when I think, owie my forearm is a little tender.

Fast forward about an hour when I'm sitting eating and realize OMG my arm. It's numb. From the elbow to the wrist. Holy shit. No.Not.Numb. PAIN. Pins and needles. Fire. Burning.OUCH.

What the hell? It's totally painful to twist my hand back and forth. I've only crocheted about 20 rows.

What a woos. I think i need to start working out or something.
=========================================
In health news; Mine. Heart rate erratic again. Lungs feel ok. Drugs seem to be helping but the heart is having some issues.
=========================================
In Health News; Dad. Shoulder procedure went well today. He seems to think he has lots more movement, but it was also totally numb. It will be interesting to see how it is tomorrow (!) at theropy. My guess, he's not a happy camper. I know RM was glad to see us go. We're a rowdy group.
=========================================
We went to see a movie last night. We never go see movies. I remember why now. I gave the boys (am i nuts?) the choice. Twilight or 007. Either I would watch. We went to 007 which I pretty much knew as soon as I gave them a choice.

And it all went south. HOLY SHIT! LOUD. It was so loud that my ears started ringing immediately. I had to sent Bill out to get napkins so I could shove them in my ears like ear plugs. Bill is hard of hearing and said it was too loud. With ear plugs in I could hear everything. I probably could have heard everything from the STREET. WITH my earplugs. It made the whole movie miserable. The movie was ehhh. I like 007. This one was ok.

The final vote once home was (not made by me), we should have seen Twilight. It seems to be a better big screen movie. This 007 wasn't as much a "big screen" must see as some of the others have been.

Looks like we'll be going to Eureka to see Twilight. I'll be packing earplugs just in case. Fortuna has lost our business for sure. At least until my ears stop ringing and my eyes stop twitching.

Use it or lose it

2008-11-24T17:06:00.000-08:00

I shake like a leaf.

Really I remind myself of someone with Parkinson's and that's not to take Parkinson's lightly.

You can be sure it's due to the enormous amounts of steroids or steroid like drugs I take. It's still no fun.

My fine motor skills have been sucking lately. Today I sat down to crochet. A sweater for my dog, cuz she doesn't care about my mistakes. Plus she's impossible to fit with a commercial anything. 9" neck, 14" waist.. 22" long. Yeah she's somewhere between a chihuahua and a freight train.

But I digress. I started out with the standard chain that you start any crocheting with and I was shaking so hard I could barely get the damn hook through the loop. After about 20minutes of fighting it I noticed the shakes had stopped. But my vision was blurry. Go figure. I totally will blame that on my age and who makes print this fine anyway. WTH?

Appointment at the eye doctor is in order. I'm sure my eyes are failing even without all the extra drugs I take that effect these things.

But today I had to get new shoes for my car. I can only spend so many hundreds in a day. 5 is my limit. Opps, maxed out.

Discovery

2008-11-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

Totally allergic to grain dust.

That's handy.

I started to suspect this about a month ago, but since I was "sick" it was hard to determine. So since I'm "healthy-er" yesterday confirmed the dust theory.

This AM.
Goopy eyes, check.
Tight chest, check.
Raspy, goopy, bleedy lungs, check.
Slight pressure headache started last night, check.

Next test with grain I'll try and antihistamine and see if that does the trick.

In other news, I've been feeling fine up to and including last night. I only was woke up at like 4am with the gurgling lung trick. It passed quickly so it wasn't much. I called the burn day hot-line while I was up, since the plan for today was to get up at 6am and go burn the huge pile of limbs. However today, no burn day. Figures.

So instead I slept in. Now we're going to go have brunch somewhere and find something totally unproductive to do. Then maybe I'll come home and make cinnamon rolls.

2008-11-21T15:23:00.001-08:00

This would have been a post I wrote while I was using my nebulizer like a good girl. Only I used it and then was distracted into playing around on my sons science web site. So now you don't get a post.

2008-11-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

I do feel much less like ass, thanks for asking. My little fistfuls of wonder drugs does seem to help every time. I am noticing some trouble with the hypertension again. We can't have it all and so far a little ibuprofen or aspirin takes the edge off of that. These infernal shakes are whats driving me nuts. I used to never have this trouble with this type of drug, but as the say... I am getting older. blah blah blah

So shaking like I have Parkinson's is getting to be a norm. BUT! I can breath. So trade offs.

Typing takes forever. Where I think I put my fingers isn't where they land with the jerking and shaking. I'm not the best typist to begin with so this is an added challenge.

The conjunctivitis is clearing up too. That sure helps the headaches. Nothing, well except a migraine or working with my husband, gives me a headache like constant eye pain.

The buck pen is 75% done, and by tomorrow Bill will be 90% done. We had to stop today on account of the "race" being on. So he can stay home tomorrow and finish. Now I just need a gate to finish to all up. I like to have the gate before putting in the last gate post, insures correct fit that way.

Funny how my old buck just likes his pen. Today all the fences were torn out or had gaping holes and he put himself in there and laid out in "his" spot. He rubbed on a few boards and qualified himself for Cal-Trans by "helping" supervise the boys putting in posts, I think he approves. And it's all about his comfort after all. ;-)

2008-11-13T21:47:00.000-08:00

Look Puppies!

turn on volume for puppy squeaks

2008-11-12T20:47:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling like a dead donkey's ass for about a week. (Yeah that is really what I mean, think about it for a minute and just imagine it.)

So I did what normal people do and *insert gasps here* CALLED the Dr. and made an appointment! I gave them a huge window to give me an appointment like I was in no hurry, but I think the way I was gasping for air gave her reason to worry. (By the way the proper way to gasp and utilize the most oxygen is "Smell the roses [in through the nose], blow out the candles" [out through the mouth] Ya know, in case you ever need that information) So my appointment was for today at 4:30. I left with 2 PAGES of prescriptions. By this time next week I should feel like wonder woman.

Right now I feel like a luke warm, just dead donkey's ass. Total step up. Aptly timed since I have to work tomorrow. This not being able to walk 10' shit ain't gonna cut it. Ask Sarah. Went with Mr to drop off her lumber this morning and she offered us coffee, a rare treat at her house. Not that coffee is rare, she's like me and doesn't extend an invite in often. We always jump on those chances. Anyway, her house is two story and the walk up the stairs to the kitchen had me about having a heart attack at the top. Once there I was thinking two things A) damn I'm glad I made that appointment and B) wonder how hard a pulley system would be to rig up. 'Cuz, you know, we have ZERO stairs in our house. (I also thought, damn I hope I don't pee my pants. 'Cuz I can only consentrate on so many things at once, and breathing was taking priority.)

So after getting my *gag* just shy of $200 in meds (this isn't counting the several hundreds in free samples I took with me) we went to visit my dad. He's doing so much better and today was in a good mood for a change.

Came home, oxygened up, and used my new nebulizer. It's WAY cool. *ahem* The ones I've been using could have, just maybe were, from ohh the Reagan era. It has little rubber flapper deals that keep all the meds in so you don't lose ANY, which is way awesome, it looks really funky, but works really well. In fact, either the neb worked really well or the prednisone is taking effect cuz right now, with oxygen I feel better. My head is wonky though. Could be the head cold I'm fighting with the onset of all the rest of this shit.

Worky tomorrow. I hope I don't crap out. That will suck much.

Bitchy

2008-11-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

Wow. Just Bitch will do. That's me. I'm like Bitchy to the millionth power.

It's really bad when you KNOW you're that bitchy and the bitch just spills forth anyway. I'm hoping today is better because yesterday sucked. A trip to "visit" my father didn't help my attitude. Successfully installing more RAM into my laptop didn't help either.

Lets hope 10 hours in bed helped. Of course I only slept 3 of those hours and woke up with a screaming raging headache probably isn't going to help.
So I took 2 Tylenol arthritis am nursing a soda and will avoid human contact at all possible.

My pissy attitude is rubbing off on my kid and I came very close to snapping his head off about "his piss poor attitude and DON'T take that tone with me". Then the replay went through my head before I opened my mouth and I listened to myself. So I shot him an evil look and bit my tongue instead. This is how I can tell today might be slightly better than yesterday. I'm seeing the evil as it happens instead of after I go to bed at night and lay there thinking "holy shit I'm a bitch".

This weekends plans include baking and science experiments and dammit I would like to be in a better mood for that.

I'm going to need to be in a better mood for the next two weeks or I will kill my husband. He has two weeks off from work and I swear to god he'd better not think he's spending all that time crawled up my ass. I'm hoping I can dump him off at the fence project and he will have that to occupy his self with part of the time.

2008-11-06T10:59:00.001-08:00

This should be a profound post, but it isn't. Why start that nonsence now?

I'm still a little aghast over CA voting to pass Prop 8. As you may have noticed I'm not political at all. Nothing, not a peep from me over the last two years about any of it. I don't get into that with anyone. Why? I'm too reasonable I think. I can see any issue from both sides and see why or why not someone would vote one way or the other. Half the time I can see so many good points on each side I can't decide myself, so why argue with you. I am also not someone who votes party lines. I'll vote for whatever or whoever I think does the best job.

But this one. This one just leaves me shaking my head and wondering what in the HELL were people thinking. This is about equality not morality. It goes against my sense of fairness for it to pass. We will vote to make sure farm animals have better lives but not our gay friends. Because frankly I don't think anyone in this state, or your state either, can say they do not have at least one gay friend. Don't think you do, take a closer look. I was 25 before I realized I had gay friends. Really.
Maybe this prop would have been easier for the gay-phobs to stomach if the word "marriage" had been replaced with partnership.

Blah. I'm disgruntled. At least I can say in this county where I live, we voted no on Prop 8.

If I have to do it myself I will

2008-11-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

This is me patting myself on the back.

Cuz someone needs to.

And no I do not have a hairball, thankyouverymuch.

I came home from work tonight and FINISHED the job!! *gasp*

Not only did I FINISH the job, I sat and created a worksheet on the computer to track my years mileage for the business. Which is A LOT of miles. Up almost $1000 from last year based on what the gov thinks it costs to drive.

Tomorrow all I have to do is pack all this stinkin' milk to ship and I'm almost home free for the week.

Tonight's test was cold and wet. It hailed like hell at the beginning of the night and you couldn't even hear the milk pumps over the sound on the tin roof, which is saying something if you've ever stood in a cow barn during milking. I caught the head guy in at least two errors, his, not mine. Love that. Hate when they are my errors, love when they're theirs and their "little list" proves it.

It's a little like the 10 DEAD cows * that another herd "found" after his milker and I showed him physically the 4 cows all wearing duplicate numbers. Because you know... that CAN"T happen. Must be YOU reading the tags wrong. OHHH REALLY? Funniest is when, in front of his dad, they couldn't figure out who one cow was, even with her transponder. The milker and I had this moment of eye contact and you could see us both saying, Oh yeah and it's OUR problem.

Funny people, owners. Doesn't matter what they own either. I'm as guilty as the next guy. Only I'd like to think if I had 10 DEAD cows I'd KNOW it.

****These are dead on paperwork cows. Please don't think that all of a sudden they realized there were 10 dead cows laying around. They'd been dead/sold/culled long before, they just "found" them.

2008-11-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

It's a little odd to wake up to the sound of your cell phone ringing at 7:15 am and see that Jesus is calling.

For a second I thought... but I feel fine. ;)

2008-10-31T17:56:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I'm done breeding?

Oh yeah, I'm done breeding.

We pulled the bucks out / moved the older does up top last weekend. I hadn't seen doe action in weeks and frankly if they arn't bred it wasn't meant to be. The little ober buck is still with his harem but only because moving him and his group is a little more effort as they are nailed into his pen. I will disband them this weekend if it's not raining too hard. He could use the extra time anyway he's a little runty.

Greg is maning the trick-or-treat booth tonight. We decided at the last minute to decorate the porch. I'd been trying to talk him into it for a month and THIS MORNING he gives in. So we ran all over looking for three things, web, black light, and a fogger IF i could find one. 2 towns, 4 stores and one awesome half off sale and we were set. Though it took one more store to get the damn black light.

We had one kid at 4:30. Really? People it's not even a school night, and she was NOT in school yet.

2008-10-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

Pfft. Needed to dust things off in here.

It's a little messy and neglected.

I've been putzing along. I'd like to say WOW I got all this stuff done and LOOKIE what I did.

In reality what I've been doing is sleeping way too many hours. Getting way too little done. And basically slacking completely.

I've been getting Greg's schooling stuff done, my work done, and basically that's it. I've felt nasty and crappy and icky for a week now. Work was a struggle and a half because I felt bleh.

I can't even get excited over the fence getting worked on. YEAH! Ehh. It looks GREAT. And really I'm excited.

What? This is totally my excited face.
I hope to hell I snap out of this shit because hell month is starting and I really need to be in top form for this shit. I can't afford to slip up my game now.

I even have a new-to-me laptop so I can send someone else to a dairy while I'm at one. Now if someone else would feel comfortable with doing that alone other than me. Ha. I don't think it's my job that's so hard, it's all the paperwork that seems daunting and overwhelming. And it does to me too. I've just been doing it longer.

I have to get someone (volunteer found, they just need to get healthy again) to test out the tester cheat forms I created to make sure I didn't leave anything out and that they will work for the new program.